Changing your relationship status to ‘in a relationship’…

1. Implies that you are no longer single

However in God’s eyes you still are. Biblically we only stop being single when we are engaged. The ‘in a relationship’ status is a modern invention that finds no roots in the Bible.

2. Implies you have made unspoken vows

Unspoken vows along the following lines are implied by the change in status:

“I (name), take you (name) to be my boyfriend, to have and to hold from this day forward. I promise to love, comfort, honour, cherish and protect (name), forsaking all others, be faithful to (name) unless we breakup. Amen”.

The unspoken vows of being ‘in a relationship’ are similar to those of marriage because the girlfriend/boyfriend relationship is a marriage-like relationship. However these vows are not the type of vows God makes and I believe are illegitimate in God’s eyes. He does not promise to love and cherish us unless He breaks up with us. He promises to love and cherish Christians forever because love is not something that is supposed to fail (1 Cor 13:8). Vows that allow for a painful divorce-like split can’t please God.

3. Implies you belong to each other

“He’s my man”, ”I’m his girl” and ”We are together” are terms used when ‘in a relationship’. These are terms that suggest you romantically ‘belong’ to the guy. However in God’s eyes you do not. The guy is not “yours” and you are not “his”. You should rather see him as a brother in Christ who could be somebody else’s husband.

4. Implies there is something to celebrate

Once you change your Facebook status you will inevitably get a whole heap of ‘likes’ and comments such as “Congratulations!” and “I’m so happy for you”. However there is nothing to celebrate. The guy may not marry you. He may well marry someone else. Imagine you went to an interview and the interview panel cracked open a bottle of champagne five minutes in – before they’ve even decided to offer you the job or not. You’d rightly think such behaviour was inappropriate. You may not get the job and such celebration could give false hope.

Furthermore I think it’s unwise to change your status because doing so…

1. Adds unnecessary pressure

Once you go public you will inevitably provoke a lot of attention that can add a huge amount of pressure to your time of getting to know a guy. Pressure can be an attraction killer. It can lead to you or the guy feeling overwhelmed, smothered and then bailing out when you could have ended up in an amazing marriage. Equally, the pressure of going public can lead to people getting married who have serious and valid reservations – because they feel things have gone too far to back out.

2. Can lead to shame

Love always protects (1 Cor 13:7)

If things don’t lead to marriage, which they often don’t, then you and the guy must both very publicly change your relationship status back to single. If it was you who decided marriage was no longer on the cards then it could be quite difficult for the guy. Love protects and to protect another is to protect them from potential public shame.

3. Can create a false sense of security

Love does no harm (Rom 13:10)

Declaring your romance to the Facebook world can leave him ecstatic. It can hugely stir up his love and give him a false sense of security. If months down the line you then decide marriage is not best, the guy can feel far more rejected and hurt than if you had not made a public declaration. Likewise, you could end up with a false sense of security that could lead to more heartbreak for you.

So when I don’t ‘like’ your ‘in a relationship’ status on Facebook, please don’t think that I don’t care about your happiness.  It’s because I care about your long-term happiness and the happiness of the guy that I won’t.

Want to know more?

I highly recommend the book: ‘God’s Way for Romance‘ by Stuart Burgess. WE HAVE 10 SIGNED COPIES TO GIVEAWAY. JUST LIKE THIS ARTICLE AND WRITE A COMMENT BELOW TO BE IN FOR A CHANCE OF WINNING! I would also recommend my article: Boyfriends vs Courtship (What’s the Difference?)

The post Why I won’t ‘like’ your relationship status first appeared on Ruby in the Rough.

1. The boyfriend/girlfriend status is an alternative to marriage

The boyfriend/girlfriend status is an alternative to marriage. Put another way, it is a copy of marriage without the commitment. It is a marriage-like relationship. When two people are in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship there are unspoken vows, such as ‘I am your partner’, ‘I belong to you’ and ‘I will be there for you’. However, there is no vow of lifelong commitment and the vows are not made before God. Boyfriend/girlfriend relationships are very appealing to human nature because they involve marital pleasures from a young age but without the commitment of lifelong marriage. In past ages where there was a biblical courtship culture, people had a choice of being married or being single. However, in modern society people have an additional choice of having a boyfriend/girlfriend. As the relationship culture becomes more popular, so the institution of marriage becomes less special and less honoured. Whereas in past societies most people aspired to getting married as young adults, now most people aspire to being in relationships as young adults. In past ages living together was frowned upon and called ‘living in sin’. However, in modern times living together is seen as a legitimate alternative to setting up a marital home. The practice of living together means that marriage is no longer seen as necessary but simply as an optional extra. In fact, marriage is now often seen as an inconvenient optional extra. People today say they cannot get married because it is too expensive or because they would rather spend money on a holiday or a house. Ironically, the reason why marriage is often expensive is because people are living together before marriage and so marriage only seems worthwhile if there is an elaborate wedding. As marriage gets replaced by an alternative, the girlfriend/boyfriend relationship, so is marriage dishonoured.

2. The boyfriend/girlfriend status has caused a decline in the number of people getting married.

The boyfriend/girlfriend culture has resulted in a dramatic decline in the number of people getting married. Since boyfriend/girlfriend relationships are seen as equivalent to marriage, it should not be surprising that many people see cohabiting as an alternative to marriage. The proportion of the population getting married today is only about half of that in 1900 because many people now choose to cohabit rather than get married. In 2008 there were around 233,000 weddings in England and Wales, but that figure would have been over 400,000 if the same proportion of society was getting married as in 1900. When you take into account that many modern marriages are actually remarriages following divorce, the actual decline is even greater. As marriage declines in society and its importance lessened, so is marriage dishonoured.

3. The boyfriend/girlfriend status has raised the average age at which people get married

When society has a boyfriend/girlfriend culture, this always increases the average age at which people get married. One reason is that people want to have the fun of several relationships before settling down. Another reason for the delay in marriage is that the relationship culture makes cohabiting acceptable before marriage. The increase in the average age at which people marry can be clearly seen over the last hundred years as the relationship culture has become stronger in Western society. The average age at which women get married (for the first time) in the UK has risen from around twenty-three in 1900 to around twenty-nine in 2004. The average age for men has risen from around twenty-five in 1900 to around thirty-one in 2004. When you consider that a person’s healthiest and most vigorous years are their twenties, these increases are very significant. The delay in getting married is a self-reinforcing problem because when people see that the average age for getting married is thirty-one, they are much less prepared to save themselves for marriage than if the average age was twenty-five. In contrast, when society has a courtship culture, people tend to get married young because there is no alternative to marriage. And when people can see that there is a tendency to marry young, they do not mind saving themselves for marriage—and so there is a virtuous cycle that ensures marriage is honoured. In areas where there is a strong Bible culture, such as Bible Belt areas in the USA, there is still a trend for men and women to marry in their early to mid-twenties. In contrast, when there is a tendency to marry at an older age, people struggle to save themselves for marriage —and so there is a sinful cycle that ensures marriage is dishonoured.

4. The boyfriend/girlfriend status has been a key reason for the rise in divorce rates

In the last hundred years in the West the number of divorces has increased enormously by a factor of something like 100. I think the relationship culture is the primary reason for this ungodly trend because the relationship culture makes it sociably acceptable to go through divorce-like splits again and again.  Breaking-up has become a normal part of life. Unsurprisingly as breaking up before marriage has become the norm, so has breaking up after marriage.  The great rise in divorce has resulted in the institution of marriage being greatly undermined.

5. The terminology of the boyfriend/girlfriend status is damaging to marriage

Relationships dishonour marriage because they copy the language of marriage. We say “He’s mine”, “I am his”, “He’s my other half”, “We’re a couple” etc.  When a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship fails we say “We broke-up, we split-up” etc. At the same time in modern society marital terms like ‘spouse’, ‘husband’ and ‘wife’ are discouraged or even banned in order to prevent marriage being seen as superior to relationships. The media tries to use the term ‘partner’ whether someone is married or not in order to give equal status to people in boyfriend/girlfriend relationships. On 8 April 2011 a man wrote a letter to The Daily Telegraph expressing his surprise and sorrow that he was not allowed to refer to his wife as his ‘wife’ when he was at the dental surgery. This particular dental practice insisted that everyone refer to spouses as partners, not as husbands or wives. By giving equal status to relationships through the language we use, the institution of marriage is greatly devalued.

6. Boyfriend/girlfriend culture has elevated the “soulmate” status above the marriage status.

The modern world does not recognize marriage as the ideal place for a romantic relationship. Instead the world judges a relationship in terms of whether two people are ‘soulmates’. People now say things like, ‘I have found my soulmate’ or ‘I am looking for my soulmate’. If two unmarried people are soulmates, their relationship is said to be as good as it can be. Many celebrities and films are now promoting the stereotype that soulmate status is the ultimate criterion for successful romance, rather than marriage. People sometimes use the concept of soulmate to justify past failed relationships by saying that those past relationships failed because they had not found their soulmate. Sadly, many people do not realize that the whole point of marriage is to ensure that two people do actually become soulmates. Only with the lifelong commitment of marriage and biblical vows can two people actually become soulmates. As the relationships culture elevates the soulmate status over the marriage status, so is marriage undermined.

7. The boyfriend/girlfriend status has devalued purity

The boyfriend/girlfriend status has made it socially acceptable to have romantic intimacy outside of marriage.  Even most Christians believe a degree of sexual intimacy such as passionate, intimate kissing is fine once you are “in a relationship”.  Thus the intimacy that belongs in marriage has been taken outside of marriage and marriage has been dishonoured.

Stuart Burgess (Stuart Burgess is the author of our book of the month, God’s way for romance: Getting back to Biblical courtship). WE HAVE 10 SIGNED COPIES TO GIVEAWAY. JUST LIKE THIS ARTICLE AND WRITE A COMMENT BELOW TO BE IN FOR A CHANCE OF WINNING!

If you want to read more on this topic,

• ‘Boyfriends vs Courtship (What’s the difference)‘ explains how people can pursue marriage without having a boyfriend/girlfriend.

The post How Boyfriends Dishonour Marriage first appeared on Ruby in the Rough.

1) Be ready.

Buyers, if you have no money for a deposit and no way of paying a mortgage, attempting to buy a house will be a useless, frustrating process for both you and the sellers. Sellers, if you’re not ready to sell, putting your house on the market out of idle curiosity is a waste of time and will create false hope for the buyers.

Similarly, men if you can’t see yourself being able to get married anytime soon and are not yet mature enough to handle the responsibilities of life-long commitment, pursuing a woman is a pointless, potentially harmful exercise. Likewise, women if you are not nearly ready for permanent commitment, allowing a man to pursue you is misleading and can result in great heartbreak.

2) Know what you’re looking for.

Buyers, if you haven’t considered the number of rooms you want, the area you want to live in etc., you could end up looking at hundreds of houses while still being unable to choose one. This will result in you wasting a lot of peoples time. Moreover, you could wind up choosing a house that is completely unsuitable or missing out on a house that could be perfect for you. Sellers, if you have not considered what a trustworthy, good buyer looks like, or what a suitable asking price is, you could turn down perfectly good offers or be misled by shady buyers.

Similarly ladies and gents, if you have not thought through what essential, important qualities you’re looking for in a husband or wife (see Proverbs 31,Timothy 1:3 and Galatians 5:22-23 for ideas) you’ll find it difficult to choose a person to marry. In addition, you’ll probably waste people’s time, could make an unwise marriage choice and may even overlook a great match.

3) Not act too keen!

Buyers, if you find a house you would like to buy, wildly begging and pleading the sellers to let you purchase their house is not a good idea! Sellers, if you get a good offer, enthusiastically calling the buyer regularly to tell them how pleased you are with their offer is not wise. Such behaviour could lead the buyer/seller to take advantage of your interest and delay signing a contract while they wait and see if any better offers come up. In addition, they might alter the price in their favour.

Similarly, if we meet a man/woman we would like to marry, it’s unwise to show too much enthusiasm too soon. Such behaviour can encourage them to take us for granted, delay proposing/accepting a proposal and keep their options open. In the Bible, we see that individuals were not considered ‘caught’ or ‘taken’ until engagement (betrothal). There is great wisdom in not expressing too much enthusiasm or acting ‘caught’ until we really are!

4) Be realistic.

Buyers, if your budget is £300,000, it would be ridiculous to look for a 5 storey mansion in central London. Sellers, if your neighbour’s house went for £200,000 it would be silly to expect £1 million for yours. Similarly men, expecting your future wife to have a pHD, supermodel good looks and to be famous would seem farfetched. Likewise ladies, only being open to a man who is a millionaire and looks as good as Brad Pitt would seem equally ridiculous. Such high expectations can lead to us never getting married! In the Bible, we see principles that encourage us to look at the hidden person of the heart rather than a person’s honour, wealth and looks:

But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7)

5) Remember ownership only begins with permanent commitment.

Sellers, before the buyer has put their deposit down on the house, it would be inappropriate and a bad idea for you to let them start storing things in your loft, paint your walls or have their mail redirected to your house! Not only might they end up damaging your things but such behaviour could encourage the buyer to take you for granted. Furthermore, you could get your hopes up and find it is very distressing if they end up not buying. Besides you could miss out on prime genuine buyers while your house was off the market. Buyers, it’s not right for you to treat a potential house as if it’s yours. The privileges of owning a house only start when you’ve exchanged contracts and put the deposit down.

Similarly, isn’t it unwise and inappropriate to treat a potential husband/wife as if they are already ours when we’re not even engaged? Doesn’t treating someone in such a way increase the possibility that they will get their hopes up too high, have their time wasted and end up experiencing heartbreak? Equally, is it really sensible to allow a person who has not yet permanently committed to us to treat us as if we were already theirs when we might never be? Doesn’t such behaviour encourage the person to take us for granted? After all why should they feel greatly motivated and passionate about making a lifelong commitment when we already behave as if they had.

6) Not be too picky about silly things.

Buyers, if your future house must be circular in shape with a mosaic tiled entrance, green walls, blue floors and orange stained-glass windows, you will most likely never find a house to buy. Sellers, if you will only accept offers from buyers who have the right shininess of shoe, like your favourite band, are under 5’6″ and drive a Mini Cooper, you might never be able to sell your house.

Similarly, if we have a long list of non-essential, obscure qualities we are looking for in a husband/wife, and the determination that we won’t ‘settle’ for anything less, we will most likely never get married. In the Bible we see that marriage is far more about serving another and reflecting Christ, than having all our desires met (see Ephesians 5:22-33).

7) Consult wise council and do your research.

Buyers, it doesn’t matter how perfect the house looks. If you don’t get a survey done by an expert, you could be in for a nasty shock. If the survey shows major problems, don’t overlook them! Sellers, it doesn’t matter how sharp that buyer looks, find out if they are reliable and can afford your house.

Similarly, isn’t it foolish to try and make a marriage choice without consulting wise, mature counsel and without getting to know everything necessary about the person. In scripture we are taught that:

“Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed” Proverbs 15:22.

8) Be sure before committing.

Buyers, can you imagine how awful you would feel if you put down 10% of the buying price and then had major second thoughts. Cancelling the sale would mean a huge loss to you and majorly messing the seller around. Moreover, if the seller is in a housing chain, it could mean many other people’s houses falling through. Sellers, refusing to sell after a deposit has been paid can mean getting sued as well as causing a lot of trouble.

Similarly, breaking off an engagement is a messy and potentially hurtful thing. It can bring great distress to many people. Be sure before you get engaged!

9) Take things seriously!

Buyers, you’re going to be paying back the average mortgage for 25 years. Such a spend is enormous, and merits serious time and thought – it’s not something to rush into.

Choosing a marriage partner is an even bigger deal.  You’re committing to a person for life, for better for worse, for richer or poorer, till death do you part. Moreover, your spouse will likely become the father/mother of your future children. Therefore even more careful thought, consideration, diligence and time is needed than when buying a house! Take choosing a spouse seriously!

So there are 9 ways finding a spouse is like buying a house. Can you think of any more? [Tom and Rowina Seidler. Rowina is the editor of this free magazine, Ruby in the Rough.  To read more of her articles do subscribe!]

The post How Finding a Spouse is like Buying a House! first appeared on Ruby in the Rough.

That’s where the following practical suggestions come in. Note the phrase “practical suggestions.” These are not sacrosanct biblical principles. This is not the only way the early part of a courtship might look. These are simply suggested applications of biblical principles. In the end, there is no formula and no rote substitute for intellectually honest Christians seeking to care well for one another and to faithfully apply Scripture to infinitely varied relational circumstances.

So with all that said, let’s consider how the principle of caring for one another well in the early stages of a relationship might look.

What Are We Doing Again?

The first thing that should happen, if it has not happened during the initiation of the courtship, is that intentions should be established. Whatever that conversation looks like, intentions should be clear and it should be the man making them. So guys, tell her why you have initiated or are initiating with her, tell her that you intend to pursue the relationship to determine if marriage to her is the right choice before God.

In my view, this establishing of intentions should be done near the beginning of any one-on-one romantic time spent together — preferably within the first two or three “dates” during a deliberate conversation on the subject.

Guys, don’t wait until you’ve had lunch or dinner or “hung out” one-on-one four or five times before you let her know what’s going on. The idea is to remove that period of confusion or vulnerability for the woman by being forthright from the beginning about what level of intention or commitment exists (a la 1 Thessalonians 4). You probably won’t know at this stage how things are going to ultimately turn out regarding marriage (that’s why you court), so you need not communicate that right away. But you should know what you’re trying to find out and what your intentions are — that is what you, as the man, must be clear about. From there, you obviously need a response from the woman to know whether or not things will go any further.

If you know the woman from church, if you’ve seen her interact in a group, observed her with others, maybe worked with her as a part of some ministry, that input should be enough for you to think through the decision of whether initiation of a courtship is the right thing. Remember, your intent at this point is not necessarily marriage — and that’s not what either of you are committing to at this stage. You’re simply committing to get to know her a little better in an intentional way to evaluate whether the two of you should then consider marriage to one another.

Ladies, as uncomfortable as this may sound for the guys, you might be in a difficult position here as well, depending on how well you know the man initiating with you. What if that answer is “not well at all”? Then I’d ask, have you had any chance at all to see him in group settings, or do you know him by reputation? If you don’t have even information at that level, feel free to tell him that you want some time to think and pray about it (that is, if you’re not sure at that point that you’re not interested).

Then — in addition to actually thinking and praying about it — ask one of your pastors or elders whether he knows him and what he thinks. If the pastor or elder you ask doesn’t know him well, he can guide you to a trustworthy source that knows him better.

If you know the man well or at least better than what I’ve just described, but you are not sure whether you are interested in him, I’d encourage you to at least take some time to get to know him before giving an unequivocal “no.” Keep in mind that this is different from feigning interest when there isn’t any. There are instances in which you can be genuinely unsure about a guy but still move forward this far.

Let me say it again: Agreeing to court is not agreeing to marry. That’s why you court. We’re trying to make intentions clear, here, not asking anyone to commit to go the distance with no information.

There are biblical and unbiblical reasons for a man to initiate with a woman, and there are biblical and unbiblical reasons for turning a man down. If you feel that you are not initially attracted to a man who initiates with you, OK — but at least ask yourself why that is. Are you considering biblical characteristics in that decision? Do you have enough information to know that you could not marry this man? If a man initiates with you, ladies, think and pray and seek counsel before simply dismissing him. If nothing else, treating men who initiate well will encourage other men to initiate.

So … Here We Are

If we are concerned about defrauding one another (again, this idea applies to both genders but particularly to the men as the initiators), another one of the early issues to address is how much and what kind of time couples spend together.

What kind of time should couples spend together in the early stages of a courtship?

The answer turns on what you are trying to find out about this person at this stage of things. You’re trying to find out whether this is someone you should know more intimately en route to figuring out whether this is a person you could marry. Did you catch how I phrased that? You are trying to figure out if you should get to know this person more intimately; you are not at the outset trying to get to know this person intimately. The difference is subtle but important.

One suggestion I have for individuals starting out is that the majority of your time together should be spent with other people, preferably with your families and church families. Get to know one another in groups, find out how the other person reacts to people, spend time with the people he or she cares about. This will provide you a chance to get to know him or her well and will also provide a buffer and accountability against getting too emotionally intimate too early.

Many people want to start out a courtship by spending a huge amount of time alone together. This is understandable but unadvisable for a number of reasons. Spending too much time alone promotes a high level of intimacy on a number of fronts, can lead to some level of isolation from other friends, and puts undue emphasis on the relationship in the lives of both people.

If you do spend time alone, spend it in activities, read a book together, be in public places, etc. In these early stages, people should not spend long hours looking into each other’s eyes over candle-lit tables or being alone together at one another’s apartments. To do so courts temptation (so to speak) and implies a level of commitment that’s simply not there yet.

Think not just about the kind of time you spend together, but how much. Even if you spend the right kind of time together, there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. Don’t get together (even with other people) four or five times a week. Leave space in your life for other activities and relationships. And don’t spend every moment that you’re not together on the phone or even emailing or texting or IMing back and forth. Build the momentum (if it will build) slowly.

What Should We Talk About?

Have you thought about the fact that there are some topics that are inherently intimate and that almost automatically promote deep intimacy between two people? What do I mean?

For starters, let me suggest that you not go out in the first week and tell each other the long, teary versions of your testimonies and the greatest personal pain that the Lord has delivered you from in your life.

Don’t immediately make that person your confidante in matters personal and emotional. Don’t articulate your deepest feelings with respect to your life or even how you feel about that person. Also (and this may seem counterintuitive), I advise folks not to spend long periods in prayer together. Prayer is a wonderful thing, but it’s also inherently intimate. Pray for the relationship, but don’t spend hours holding hands and pouring yourselves out before the Throne. That may come.

What should you talk about then? Talk about a book you’re reading, your interests, your faith (in more general terms or along the lines of issues), things going on in your life. Talk about your values and priorities, ambitions and plans you may have, your families and things that are happening in your church or in the world.

All right. Does this sound cold, uninviting, even deceptive? I admit it’s not the stuff of movies, but the very point that I’m making is that at this point it shouldn’t be. You are not yet that other person’s main provision from the Lord for spiritual, emotional and physical intimacy and companionship. That role is reserved for the person’s spouse. You are not that yet. You are in the early stages of seeing if that is a role that the Lord would eventually have you fill in one another’s lives, but you’re not there yet, and the kind of intimacy I’ve described is not to be engaged in on a trial basis. Even if it looks more fun or stimulating to go there — and I know it does — it’s also defrauding your brother or sister.

Emotional Intimacy

This brings me to the larger principle bound up in these suggestions: Deep emotional intimacy should not be established in the early stages of a courtship.

It’s not that you’re being dishonest or cold, it’s simply being cautious about living out a deeper commitment than truly exists between you. Song of Songs 2:7 tells us not to awaken love before it pleases: Do not start what you cannot — without sin — finish.

The modern, secular idea of dating relationships is to test the waters of marriage by acting as much like you are married as possible until you both (in the very heat of that temporary emotion and passion) decide what you want and either get married, or until one of you decides it’s not a good fit and you go through something like a divorce (at least emotionally, if not physically — though that’s pretty common, too).

The biblical idea of marriage holds that such level of relating to one another begins when you are married. It’s one of the things that makes marriage unique. Our goal should be prayerfully to decide whether the person we are courting should be the one we marry without having to go through a de facto divorce if the answer’s no.

Will there still be disappointment and sadness and emotional pain if a courtship doesn’t work out? Of course. There’s no perfect way to do this. I assure you, though, that the pain will be lessened by the honest, mutual, spiritual concern for one another that results when two people treat one another like brothers and sisters in Christ first, and potential spouses second. This is for the protection of the people involved (especially the woman), for the witness of the church and for the glory of God [© Scott Croft. Scott lives in Kentucky, where he works as an attorney and serves as an elder of Third Avenue Baptist Church]

• This article is Part of a series on Biblical Courtship.  Read Part 1: Biblical Courtship: What is it?, Read Part 2: Biblical Courtship: How should it begin?
• The next article in the series is Part 4: Biblical Courtship: Growing in Knowledge
• This series of articles on Biblical Courtship will continue over the following months. Please sign-up to receive articles by email as they are published.

The post Biblical Courtship: Navigating The Early Stages first appeared on Ruby in the Rough.

The Bible and romance

Is this a sound argument? I would argue no. Unlike driving, the internet or electricity, the Bible has a huge amount to say about romance.  From the first marriage between Adam and Eve (Genesis 2) to the final marriage supper of the Lamb (Revelation 19)…romance is a central theme in the Bible. We continually see God comparing his relationship with his people to a romance (Ezekiel 16, Hosea 1- 3, Ephesians 5) and their idolatry compared to adultery.  God is called Israel’s husband (Isaiah 54:5) and Jesus is referred to as a bridegroom (John 3:29).  Christ is shown as our pursuer…loving us and dying for us before we even loved Him (Romans 5:8, 1 John 4:10 and 1 John 4:19) and we see men pursuing and taking wives throughout scripture (as well as fathers taking wives for their sons). There were arranged marriage (Genesis 24) and contrary to popular belief, marriages that were not arranged (Numbers 36:6 and Jeremiah 29:6) and there are many laws and guidelines concerning marriage, betrothal and singleness in the Old and New Testament (1 Corinthians 7, Deuteronomy 22:13-30, Deuteronomy 25:5-10, Ephesians 5).  The Bible contains everything we need to know to reflect Christ in this important area of our lives.

Four categories

Up until the early 1900’s there were four categories of relationship between a man and woman that were considered biblical (Read ‘Sex, Dating, Relationship: A Fresh Approach’ to understand this better):

A romantic pursuer would have been considered to be in the neighbour category.  After all, men and women who are not betrothed are considered single in the Bible: ‘To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am’. (1 Cor 7:8). And men are called to:  ‘Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity’. (1 Tim 5:1b-2)

Men and women would explore the possibility of marriage while treating each other physically as neighbours/family.  They did not consider each other their partner, but rather their prospective partner.

A new category

Then, in the 1900’s a new category of relationship was born in the western world and the church soon adopted it:

With this new ‘category’ of relationship came a whole new set of vocabulary, behaviour, boundaries and attitudes stolen from the fiancé/husband category:

• A girl with a boyfriend was now ‘taken’, she was no longer ‘single’, her boyfriend was ‘her man’ and she was now considered to be one half of a ‘couple’ in a ‘committed relationship’.
• When asked ‘how far is too far?’ a girl would no longer answer according to 1 Timothy 5:1-2 ‘doing anything I wouldn’t do with any other brother in Christ’, but would rather answer ‘doing anything sexual’.
• The purpose of a girl and guy spending time together was no longer to ‘see if they were suited to marriage’ but rather to ‘enjoy the intimacy and pleasure of being a couple’.
• A girl’s priorities would radically change now that she was ‘no longer single’ and much of her free time would be spent with her ‘man’.

Much of the church accepted this new category of relationship:

• Christian fathers began letting their daughters have boyfriends who they would hug, kiss and spend a lot of time with alone, as long as they didn’t have sex.
• Pastors began seeing it as normal if their young people became couples, acted as if they were deeply committed, grew in emotional oneness and then spilt up.
• Books started to be written on how to act in a godly way while being in this new category of boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.
• A woman would no longer have just had a number of ‘suitors’ before marriage, but rather a number of ‘partners’ before marriage…a number of men she had kissed, a number of men she had shared deep emotional intimacy with, a number of men she had considered her own. In fact she was considered abnormal if she had not.
• Suddenly ‘committed’ no longer meant ‘committed for life’, but rather ‘committed for right now’.

Strange beliefs soon developed in the Christian community, completely foreign to the scriptural principle of ‘not stirring or awakening up love until it pleases’ such as:

• You need to try before you buy.  You need to feel what it’s like to be deeply emotionally attached to a guy before you can know if you should marry them.
• You need relational experience to prepare for marriage.  The more men you have been partnered with before marriage, the better prepared you will be for marriage.

So what’s been the result of the western church accepting this new category of relationship?  Many Christians will now:

• Experience major heartbreak numerous times in their lives
• Walk down the aisle having been deeply emotionally (and sometimes physically) bonded to a number of different people who are not their spouse.
• Marry a person whom they have little in common with or who has serious character flaws, because they are too emotionally attached to think clearly or walk away before getting engaged.

Is it any surprise that the divorce rate in the western church is not so different to the western world? Voddie Baucham, author of ‘Family Driven Faith’^[1], refers to our modern boyfriend/girlfriend culture as ‘glorified divorce practice’ because people ‘are learning how to give themselves away in exclusive, romantic, highly committed (at times sexual) relationships, only to break up and do it all over again’. We Christians are copying the world’s relationship patterns with the only real difference being, we don’t believe in pre-marital sex.  Sadly, with the deep emotional oneness of boyfriend relationships, many of us are even having sex before marriage.

Christ’s love for His church

Furthermore, in scripture we see that human romantic relationships clearly parallel Christ’s relationship with His church. Never do we see Christ acting as if we are His and as if we are committed and then breaking things off.  Christ only treats us as if we are His when we are committed to one another for life. By accepting the category of boyfriend/girlfriend relationship we have accepted an additional category of relationship that does not reflect Christ’s treatment of us.

So what can we do?

Many Christians are calling out for us to go back to the Bible and draw up a model of biblical courtship that is wholly rooted in scripture.  What does this model look like?

Well first of all biblical courtship is not considered a ‘category’ of relationship but rather a ‘period of time’ in which a man who is romantically interested in a woman pursues with the purpose of exploring the possibility of marriage. The man and woman attempt to not stir up each other’s love prematurely (Song of Solomon 2:7, 3:5 and 8:4). The man considers the woman as a sister in all purity (1 Tim 5:1b-2) and thus treats her physically like a biological sister. The man and woman’s aim is to reach a wise decision, with the help of their families (Exodus 20:12) and/or Christian community (Proverbs 15:22), on whether they should or shouldn’t marry while behaving in a way that honours God. The hope is that whether things work out or not, each person is left undamaged as to love our neighbor is to do them no harm (Romans 13:10).

I believe it’s high time us women reject the western world’s new ‘category’ of boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and get back to what the scriptures can teach us about romance.  I think it’s high time we adopt a model of biblical courtship, rather than trying to Christianize a worldly relationships system [Rowina Seidler. First appeared in Grace Magazine, August 2014]

The post A Case For Courtship first appeared on Ruby in the Rough.

As you move into the stage of life in which you begin to seriously consider marriage generally or a particular relationship, your first step should be to soberly reflect, before God, on your own spiritual walk and maturity in Christ. If you aspire to be a godly husband or wife someday, what have you done and what are you doing to prepare for that ministry?

Second, are you at a place in your life at which you are ready and able to marry? As I’ve written on this site before, “practice” and “recreation” are not good reasons to court (See Biblical Courtship: What is it?). Courtship is for the purpose of finding a marriage partner. In my view, if you can’t happily picture yourself married within a year, you’re not in a position to court.

Third, once you decide that you are ready to court, look to God’s Word to decide the kind of person to court, and evaluate potential spouses on those criteria, rather than relying primarily on the world’s treatment of ideas like “attraction” and “chemistry.” I wrote at some length on this in my article, “Brother, You’re Like a Six.”

For you busy singles with time for only one mildly irritating column per day, the summary is this: Pick a potential dating partner with an eye toward godly manhood and womanhood — with an eye toward who would make a good husband or wife, defined by those characteristics God esteems in His Word, not the ones Hollywood likes.

See what an unsatisfying bumper-sticker treatment that was? You might want to read the full piece.

Men Initiate

Among the different roles assigned to men and women in the Bible, men are assigned the role of leadership. This is true in the church and in the family. This is not a signal of male superiority or of the greater importance of men. It is simply God’s design and assignment of equally valuable roles among spiritually equal beings. Men initiate, women respond. Briefly, biblical support for this position is found, among other passages, in the creation order in Genesis 2, in 1 Corinthians 11: 7-9, and Ephesians 5. True, these passages refer to marriage, but it is wise and right to set patterns that will serve you well in marriage, especially if one accepts the premise that the purpose of dating is to find a marriage partner.

What does this actually look like in a budding relationship between two people?

First, the man should initiate. Whether this means approaching the woman herself or her father or someone filling that role instead of her father, it should be the guy that starts things off. As I mentioned, he should not do this until he is “ready” to marry. If you’re not ready to marry, you’re not ready to date.

As a quick aside, if you are a single man and you would not describe yourself as ready to be married within a year, think about why that is. I mention this for two reasons: 1) Scripture seems not just to encourage, but to assume that part of the growth into biblical manhood is to seek marriage, so this is a biblical goal; and 2) easily the biggest complaint that I and others who advocate this approach get from godly Christian women is that men don’t initiate.

If you’re still in school or not out on your own, disregard this for the moment. But if you’re out of college and do not feel specifically called to singleness for biblical reasons, why are you not looking to be married? Dr. Albert Mohler has talked about a growing culture in society and in our churches of perpetual boyhood; some psychologists call it the “Peter Pan syndrome.”

As I said, in the Bible, marriage and family are considered a natural stage of progression toward manhood. The command in Genesis to be fruitful and multiply is a general command. When Paul extols singleness in 1 Corinthians 7 (which is an often-misused passage in this area of life), it is singleness for the purpose of enhanced ministry (discipleship, teaching, missionary work).

If you are floating around staying single because you enjoy social flexibility or having time to yourself or hanging out with the guys or because you have worldly ideas about the perfect woman or how to approach marriage, consider: Are you approaching manhood and marriage biblically? Every male who is out of college should have at least thought this through.

Once he determines he is ready to be married generally, and once he has found a particular woman he is interested in pursuing, our single man’s next step is to “put some feelers out.” He should talk to some of her friends, see if she’s been asking about him, have one or two subtly suggestive conversations with her to see if she gives anything away…. NO! This is not initiation. Initiation is not manipulating the situation so that while you’re  asking her out on a date there’s no actual risk of rejection or embarrassment.

Initiation means initiation. It means that you as the man take the first step, risk and all.

In his Boundless article, “Real Men Risk Rejection,” Michael Lawrence eloquently summarizes both the objections some men might raise to this idea, and, in my view, the ideal response:

‘Wait a minute. Are you saying that all the risk is mine?’ Yes I am. ‘Doesn’t that mean that she can just tell me no and leave me twisting in the wind?’ Yes it does. Welcome to leadership. Welcome to trusting God. Welcome to being a man. Your cards belong on the table. Your intentions and your feelings, to the extent that you can discern them and it is appropriate for you to share them, should be clear. Part of your role even at this early stage is to protect the woman of your interest from unnecessary risk and vulnerability by providing a safe context in which she can respond.

Women Respond

As it is the man’s God-given role to initiate, so it is the woman’s God-given role to respond. Her response may be positive or negative, it may occur through her father, her family or words directly to her potential suitor. But whatever the circumstances, her role is as responder, not initiator. As single men need to learn how to lead (whether they like it or not), single women need to learn what it is to let a man assume spiritual leadership in the relationship — and to respond to that leadership. Ultimately, this means learning to trust God’s goodness and sovereignty.

Clearly, this is not the popular secular view of the “liberated” woman’s role. Hollywood’s perfect woman runs with the boys, knows what she wants and is aggressive en route to getting it — especially romantically. Hilariously, Hollywood even writes these characters into period pieces, as if the normal woman at all levels of society in the 18th and 19th centuries was a post-feminist, post-sexual-revolution, “there-ain’t-no-difference-between-me-and-you” libertine. But I digress.

Needless to say, that is not the biblical picture of the responder. So what does this picture look like? Does this mean that a woman should never ask a man out on a first date? I think it does. Does this mean that a woman shouldn’t give the guy the assurance he needs by “leaking” news of her interest to him by way of his friends? Again, I think so.

“Wait,” you say. “What if I’m really interested in a man and he just isn’t getting it and I need to move him along?” Don’t. When men drop the ball on leadership (as we often do), it presents a temptation for the woman involved to pick up the reins and lead for him. This is no less true within marriage. Picking up the reins sets a terrible pattern that only confuses the roles in the relationship and encourages both of you to take the role of the other to the detriment of the relationship and ultimately the marriage.

The Lord is sovereign. If it doesn’t work out with a particular guy because he didn’t step up, the Lord will cause something else to work out. He knows what is best for each of us, and all of us must learn to trust Him — especially about things that are really important to us.

Accountability

Finally, let me advocate the initiating of a courtship under some accountability structure. I mentioned the woman’s father or family because until the second half of the 20th century, that’s largely how it was done. The idea was to protect the woman from potential hurt or awkwardness, to aid her in evaluating a man whom she might not have known well at the time of his initiation, and to help ensure that the relationship was carried out honorably.

Certainly, this norm spread beyond the believing community and became more of a cultural phenomenon, but it still gels well with attempts to carry out a godly courtship — especially among those believers who hold a complementarian view of biblical gender roles.

In this day and age, however, the hard fact is that many single Christian women have fathers who are not involved in their lives at all, are not believers, or are indifferent to or unaware of the notion of protecting and shepherding their daughters and potential suitors in a courtship context.

Where that is the case, a natural alternative might be some married individual or couple within the woman’s (or man’s) church community. Ladies, this doesn’t mean that you have to cut your would-be suitor off mid-sentence, take off running and shout your father’s (or whomever’s) name and phone number over your shoulder as you go. It may mean that you explain to him that before you are willing to spend some more serious time with him, he needs to meet person or couple X and discuss it with them or with the two of you.

If you don’t desire that sort of protection or aid, at least insist that the two of you begin to meet with others who know one or both of you well so that there will be consistent accountability and an outside perspective on how the courtship is going. Humble openness to accountability is essential to a godly courtship.

So that’s my take on initiation. It’s not exhaustive coverage, I realize, but this should at least get your relationship started on broad principles [© Scott Croft. Scott lives in Kentucky, where he works as an attorney and serves as an elder of Third Avenue Baptist Church]

• This article is Part 2 of a series on Biblical Courtship.  Read Part 1: Biblical Courtship: What is it?
• The next article in the series is Part 3: Biblical Courtship: Navigating the Early Stages.
• This series of articles on Biblical Courtship will continue over the following months. Please sign-up to receive articles by email as they are published.

The post Biblical Courtship: How Should It Begin? first appeared on Ruby in the Rough.

It’s also big business. If you were to Google the word “matchmaker,” you would receive something in the neighborhood of 21,200,000 responses — with a few of these outfits claiming to be Christian, but most making no such claim. “Dating” will get you 790,000,000 hits.

As evangelical Christians, we’re called to be distinct in the ways we think and act about all issues that confront us and those around us. This topic is no exception. So is there such a thing as biblical courtship? If so, what is it? How can Christians think differently about this pervasive issue in media and culture? How are we doing so far?

The answer to that last question is “not well.” Surveys consistently indicate that professing Christians behave almost exactly like non-Christians in terms of sexual involvement outside of marriage (in both percentage of people involved and how deeply involved they are — how far they’re going), living together before marriage, and infidelity and divorce after marriage. In fact, depending on which statistics one believes, the divorce rate for professing Christians may actually be higher than for Americans as a whole. Granted, not all of these people are evangelicals, but we’re not doing so well either. Indeed, the central issue we need to confront — and the reason I write and speak on this topic — is that when it comes to dating and relationships, perhaps more than in any other area of the everyday Christian life, the church is largely indistinguishable from the world. That truth has brought immeasurable emotional pain and other consequences to many Christians. Worse, it has brought great dishonor to the name of Christ and to the witness of individuals and the church.

It doesn’t have to be this way. For Christians, the Lord has given us His Word, and the Holy Spirit helps us to understand it. We have brothers and sisters in Christ to hold us accountable and to help us apply the Word to our lives. If you’re a Christian, that’s the biblical life you’re called to.

That’s what I hope this column will be about — applying God’s Word to finding a spouse and getting married.

The sufficiency of scripture

I have to start by explaining the theological doctrine that drives the approach I want to outline (and advocate). That doctrine is called the sufficiency of Scripture. Almost all professing evangelical Christians are familiar with and vigorously defend the doctrine of the inerrancy of Scripture (which states that the Bible is the authoritative Word of God, it’s true, and it contains no falsity or error). I certainly agree with the inerrancy of Scripture, but that’s not what I’m talking about here. The doctrine of the sufficiency of Scripture assumes inerrancy but then goes a step further. This doctrine simply holds that the Bible is sufficient to guide and instruct us authoritatively in all areas of our faith and life, and that there is no area of life about which the Bible has no guidance for us. The sufficiency of Scripture is taught explicitly and implicitly in many passages, but perhaps the most obvious is 2 Timothy 3:16-17:

All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.

So how does the sufficiency of Scripture apply to our coming discussions? Well, many evangelicals who otherwise believe in the inerrancy of the Bible and who might generally agree with the sufficiency of Scripture have nonetheless embraced the world’s ideas about dating. In doing so, some make the argument that Scripture doesn’t speak to this topic. I believe it does. The Bible speaks to every area of our faith and life at some level. Some things it talks about explicitly, like salvation or sanctification or marriage or elders. The Bible guides us in some areas by broader, more general principles and ideas we can build on as we strive to live the Christian life in practical ways. In either case, no area of life falls totally outside of the guidance and authority of God’s Word.

My point is that we cannot simply state that the Bible “doesn’t mention dating or courtship,” and then think we’re off the hook to pursue this area of our lives either on the world’s terms or however seems best to us without diligent, submissive reference to God’s Word. If the doctrine of the sufficiency of Scripture is true, then God’s Word does have authoritative guidance for us about how we might best glorify God in this area of our lives. That means our conversation has to be a biblical conversation. I mention the sufficiency of Scripture as part of the groundwork for this column because it’s one of those doctrines that touches every area of our lives, and it is at the heart of the approach to dating (and life) that we’ll talk about here.

Biblical Courtship

OK. Let’s take care of some basic definitions. We may define biblical courtship as a method of introduction and carrying out of a pre-marital relationship between a single man and a single woman:

1. That begins (maybe) with the man approaching and going through the woman’s father or family;
2. that is conducted under the authority of the woman’s father or family or church; and
3. that always has marriage (or at least a determination regarding marriage to a specific person) as its direct goal.

The Scriptural support for the idea of biblical courtship is largely by example and implication. We will look at a number of passages over the course of our discussions that support various aspects of biblical courtship, but for the moment, let me just give you some references to study:

• 1 Corinthians 6:9-7:19 (command to be pure, seriousness of sexual sin and instructions regarding marriage)
• 1 Thessalonians 4:1-8 (do not wrong or defraud one another in relationships — by implying a relationship or commitment by your words or conduct that does not actually exist)
• Song of Solomon 2:7 (“do not awaken love before it pleases” — i.e. before the proper time, meaning marriage)
• Proverbs 6:20-7:27 (warning to avoid sexual sin and foolish relationships)
• James 1:13-15 (temptation is to be taken very seriously)
• Romans 13:8-14 (love others, work for their soul’s good; don’t look to please self)
• Romans 14:1-15:7 (favor others, not self … value what’s good to their souls)
• 1 Timothy 5:1-2 (treat single women as sisters in Christ, with absolute purity)
• Titus 2:1-8 (young men and women should focus on self-control/godliness)
• John 14:15 (if you love Christ, you will obey His commands — read: above your own desires — and live biblically)

We’ll talk more about these and other passages as we deal with other topics in this series.

Modern Dating

We may basically define modern dating as a method of introduction and carrying out of a pre-marital relationship between a single man and a single woman:

1. that begins with either the man or the woman initiating with the other;
2. that is conducted outside the formal oversight or authority of either person’s family or church; and
3. that may or may not have marriage as its goal and is often purely “recreational” or “educational.”

Now, the biblical support for the modern approach to dating … (insert crickets, tumbleweeds, person whistling here)…. That was it. There isn’t any. The very idea of extended romantic or sexual involvement outside of marriage doesn’t even appear in Scripture unless it is described as illicit (sinful). Furthermore, it doesn’t even appear in any society, western or otherwise, in any systematic way until the 20th century. While the principles supporting biblical courtship have their beginnings with the very structure of the family, modern dating has its origins with the sexual revolution of the 1960s. It is brand new, and yet, seemingly, it is all we know.

Differences Between Modern Dating and Biblical Courtship

So what’s the real difference? Here are some fundamentals:

Modern dating philosophy assumes that there will be several intimate romantic relationships in a person’s life before marriage. In fact, it advocates “playing the field” in order to determine “what one wants” in a mate. Biblical courtship has as its goal to be emotionally and physically intimate with only one member of the opposite sex … your spouse.

Modern dating tends to be egalitarian (no differences between men and women in spiritual or emotional “wiring” or God-given roles). Biblical courtship tends to be complementarian (God has created men and women differently and has ordained each of these spiritual equals to play different and valuable roles in the church and in the family).

Modern dating tends to assume that you will spend a great deal of time together (most of it alone). Biblical courtship tends to encourage time spent in group activities or with other people the couple knows well.

Modern dating tends to assume that you need to get to know a person more deeply than anyone else in the world to figure out whether you should be with him or her. The biblical approach suggests that real commitment to the other person should precede such a high level of intimacy.

Modern dating tends to assume that a good relationship will “meet all my needs and desires,” and a bad one won’t — it’s essentially a self-centered approach. Biblical courtship approaches relationships from a completely different perspective — one of ministry and service and bringing glory to God.

Modern dating tends to assume that there will be a high level of emotional involvement in a dating relationship, and some level of physical involvement as well. Biblical courtship assumes no physical intimacy and more limited emotional intimacy outside of marriage.

Modern dating assumes that what I do and who I date as an adult is entirely up to me and is private (my family or the church has no formal or practical authority). Biblical courtship assumes a context of spiritual accountability, as is true in every other area of the Christian life.

Basically, we can make three general statements about modern dating vs. biblical courtship in terms of their respective philosophies:

1. Modern dating seems to be about “finding” the right person for me (as my friend Michael Lawrence has written on another site, “Stop Test-Driving Your Girlfriend“); biblical courtship is more about “being” the right person to serve my future spouse’s needs and be a God-glorifying husband or wife.
2. In modern dating, intimacy precedes commitment. In biblical courtship, commitment precedes intimacy.
3. The modern dating approach tells us that the way to figure out whether I want to marry someone is to act like we are married. If we like it, we make it official. If we don’t, then we go through something emotionally — and probably physically — like a divorce. In biblical courtship, Scripture guides us as to how to find a mate and marry, and the Bible teaches, among other things, that we should act in such a way so as not to imply a marriage-level commitment until that commitment exists before the Lord.

I’m supremely confident that as we go back and forth in the coming months, some — perhaps many — of you will disagree (if you don’t already) or be initially annoyed at some of my statements. Ask yourself why. What are you trying to hold onto that you think this approach will take from you (privacy, autonomy, a secular idea of freedom or of your own rights)?

I have a particular challenge for those of you whose main objection is that the practical details we’ll talk about here “are not explicitly biblical”: think about the details of how you conduct (or would like to conduct) your relationships. Can you find explicit support for the modern approach in Scripture? Are there even broad principles in Scripture that justify the modern vision of dating (or yours, whatever it may be)? The Bible simply doesn’t give us explicit instructions on some of what we’ll discuss. Fair enough. In such a situation, we should ask what gets us closest to clear biblical teaching. In other words, within the many gray areas here, what conduct will help us to best care for our brothers and sisters in Christ and bring honor to His name?

That’s it. That’s a basic framework for biblical courtship as best I can discern it from the principles of God’s Word. Now, you’re on. No question is too broad or too specific, too theoretical, too theological, or too practical. Agree with what I’ve said, or challenge it. This is how iron sharpens iron. Just remember one thing: we’re in this together — for His Glory. [© Scott Croft. Scott lives in Kentucky, where he works as an attorney and serves as an elder of Third Avenue Baptist Church]

• Next in the series…Biblical Courtship (PART 2): How Should It Begin?

The post Biblical Courtship: What Is It? first appeared on Ruby in the Rough.

1. “We belong to each other”

We can plainly see the idea of belonging/ownership through the type of language that accompanies a boyfriend relationship:

• “Are you single?”…“No, I am taken”
• “Who is that guy?”…“He’s my man” or “He’s my partner…we’re a couple“
• “What will you write in her valentine’s card?”…”Will you be mine?”
• “We used to be together, but we broke-up”

2. We are in an intimate relationship meaning we:

• Are romantically physically intimate (includes any clearly romantic affection)
• Do things together which are romantically emotionally intimate to enjoy the intimacy of belonging to one another

The romantic, emotionally intimate things a boyfriend and girlfriend will do together (to enjoy the intimacy of belonging to one another) will be different from couple to couple.  However common examples are:

• Intense quantities of communication and time spent together because a) it feels good and b) that’s what couples do
• Becoming one another’s primary emotional confidant because a) it feels comforting and because b) that’s the role of a girlfriend.

And?…

These beliefs are modern. In the Bible we see no concept of men and women belonging to one another or enjoying the physical and emotional intimacy of belonging outside of betrothal/marriage.  But is there anything wrong with these beliefs?  The following parable looks at the impact these beliefs can have on society:

The parable of the fadopted child

Clue to understanding the parable: ‘Fadoption’ represents having a boyfriend/girlfriend. ‘Adoption’ represents marriage.

The year is 2100. Due to a major ongoing war there are now a huge number of orphaned children in England. Orphanages are being built everywhere and couples are being encouraged to adopt. In time, 2 major complaints arise:

1. We don’t like all the background checks of the adoption process. We think we should just get to try temporarily owning a child for a while. Then we will know if we want to adopt them or not.
2. We find the emotional boundaries of the adoption process frustrating. We want to get to enjoy the intimacy of feeling as if a child belongs to us during the process of deciding if we want to adopt or not.

The government agrees a new system for children who are deemed old enough and mature enough to choose if they want to be part of it. The result? ‘Fadoption’ is born!

Fadoption is just like adoption but without the lifelong commitment, without the help of the adoption agency to make a wise match and without the thorough background checks. The idea behind fadoption is instead of making an informed choice and then permanently committing to the child, a couple…

• Briefly gets to know a child of a fadobtable age
• Asks the child if they would like to be fadopted

If the child agrees, the couple…

• Temporarily commits themselves to the child
• Treats the child almost completely as if they were the couples own
• Enjoys the feeling of having a child for as long as they want

…and then decides if they want to adopt or not. If they decide not to adopt they must ‘break up’. Many couples almost completely sever the relationship with the child after a failed fadoption.  From one day to the next the child goes from being treated as a son to being treated as an ex-son.

Churches soon accept Fadoption but teach that couples should not have the child live in their home before adoption as this is too intimate.  Pete is one of the elders at a small Baptist church and decides, along with his wife, Mary, that they would like to fadopt Ben, a 13 year old orphan who attends his church.  Ben is overjoyed when they ask him to become their fadoptive son and wholeheartedly accepts their offer.

Belonging/Ownership

As is typical with fadoptions, Pete and Mary begin to talk to Ben as if he is their own son. Pete calls Ben, ‘My boy,’ and when Mary is asked if she is childless she says, ‘No, haven’t you met Ben?’  Their extended family also treat Ben like he is Pete and Mary’s child.

Pete and Mary do things together with Ben which are emotionally intimate to enjoy the intimacy of belonging to one another

Ben stays living at the orphanage but sees Pete and Mary many times a week. Pete and Mary text Ben numerous times a day, every day telling him how great they think he is. He texts them back expressing his happiness at being their fadopted son.  They take family like pictures with Ben and post them up on Facebook. They encourage Ben to feel completely at home with them and they share their lives and hearts with him. After a few months they even tell him they ‘love’ him and Ben tells them he loves them too.

The result?

Nearly everything about Pete and Mary’s behaviour suggests that they care about Ben, that they are committed to him and that he is their child. Ben finds it hard to trust Pete and Mary at first as he knows that fadoption’s can end, but through their treatment of him he soon let’s down his guard and get’s very attached.

One and a half years after fadopting Ben, Pete and Mary decide it’s just not working out and that they won’t adopt. Firstly, Ben is a bit too emotional for their liking. In addition they were hoping that their first son might become a theologian but Ben ended up not being quite as intelligent as they would have liked. They just don’t feel adopting Ben is of God. Pete and Mary pray about it and decide to tell Ben it’s over and it’s best that they don’t spend any more time with him. This will help Ben find the ‘right’ family to adopt him. Ben is devastated. He had become nearly as attached to Pete and Mary as many children are to their own adoptive parents.

Ben sees Pete and Mary at church each week. They seem to be doing okay but he is a complete mess. They smile at him but don’t really talk to him so as to give him the space to ‘move on’. They refer to him as their ex-fadopted-child. No one in the church seems to think that Pete and Mary have done anything wrong. After all, fadoptions don’t always work out and that’s just life. Better to end a fadoption than adopt and have it go wrong.  Plus, Ben chose to be fadopted.  Within 3 months, Pete and Mary decide to fadopt a new boy. Once again they treat this boy as if he were their own. Ben is in pieces watching them behave exactly the same with the new boy as they did with him.

After 2 more painful failed fadoptions and a heap more emotional scars, Ben is finally adopted. He finds it very hard to trust and bond to his actual adoptive parents due to his past experiences, especially when he finds out that they had already fadopted 4 other children and rejected them before they chose to adopt him. His adoptive parents seem so used to getting attached to children and then breaking things off that Ben finds it hard to feel safe and free with them.

Some fadoptions are not as painful or heartbreaking as Ben’s experience. Some fadoptions just last a few weeks. Yes, it’s still hurtful to be treated as if you belong to someone and then have them reject you, but at least in such a short time you don’t get so attached. Sometimes a child has the wonderful privilege of being adopted after their first fadoption. On rare occasions a child gets adopted after their first fadoption by a couple who have never fadopted before. Many children and couples however have experienced one or more failed fadoptions. An older lady in Ben’s church called Shani, remembers what life was like before fadoption and speaks to Pete:

Shani: We are to love our neighbour as ourselves.  It’s terribly cruel to treat a child as your own, behave in such a way that encourages him to get deeply attached to you, and then reject him. I think fadoption is horrible and think Christians should stop fadopting. Christ loves orphans and I think fadoption must grieve him.

Pete: Shani, the Bible never says we can’t fadopt.  We can’t make up rules that are not in the Bible. Many wonderful Christians have had successful fadoptions that have led to great adoptions.

Shani: Yes, and many wonderful Christians have experienced a fadoption ending in heartbreak. Look, with fadoption, a child is growing in intimacy, trust and oneness with a couple who quite possibly will never adopt them. It is very difficult for them to keep a guard on their hearts and keep from getting too attached in such an emotionally intimate relationship where the couple are referring to the child as their own and treating them as such.

Pete: Yes it is. It is very hard to guard your heart in everything because the heart is deceitful above all things. Children guarding their hearts before adoption is a real problem – thinking this will be achievable by not fadopting is a false solution. Fadoption is not the problem but rather the hearts of the children involved. Plus, you are overlooking all the benefits of fadoption.  You wouldn’t buy a car without trying it out first. Fadoption enables a couple to try a child before they adopt.

Shani: How can you compare a child to a car! A child is not something to be tried and used!

Pete: Fair point. But you overlook another huge benefit. Fadoption helps couples prepare for being adoptive parents by allowing them to get parenting experience with a number of different children before they choose ‘the one’ they want to adopt.

Shani: At the expense of their ex-fadopted childen! Do you really think acting like parents and breaking up with a child helps prepare couples for adoption? Isn’t it rather helping them prepare to walk away if their adoption isn’t going the way they wanted it to.

Pete: Okay, but fadoption offers couples the opportunity to figure out what they want in a child by getting to try different children out.

Shani: Why is fadoption required for couples to work out what they want in a child? Fadoption is based on a lie: “you are mine”. The behaviour that is normal in fadoption is inappropriate and misleads children. Fadoption normalises children having had a number of people they were deeply attached to that broke it off with them. In fact, many children feel as if there is something wrong with them if they have not had at least one fadoption. Yes some fadoptions lead to adoption. Yes some fadoptions don’t damage children too much. But the whole idea of fadoption is just wrong. It normalises forming and breaking relationships contrary to God’s ideas of faithfulness.

Conclusion

What does fadoption have to do with the beliefs that underpin our boyfriend/girlfriend culture? Just like fadoption, our boyfriend/girlfriend culture normalises, outside of binding permanent commitment the beliefs that we can:

1. Belong to someone
2. Enjoy the intimacy of belonging to them.

Just as fadoption damages children and leaves a trail of broken hearts, so does our girlfriend/boyfriend culture. Sure, there are many great marriages that have come out of our boyfriend/girlfriend culture. However, in my estimation, over 50% of the men and women in our churches will have had at least one failed serious relationship with a person who:

• Held their hand, kissed them and referred to them as ‘mine’
• Treated them as the image in the article shows

Thus, as with fadoption, very many Christians will have unnecessarily experienced a major heartbreak.

Moreover, as with fadoption, our boyfriend/girlfriend culture is leading individuals to get deeply emotionally attached to one another before they have collected all the important information that is required to wisely choose if they should permanently commit or not.  This can result in an individual either:

• Marrying someone simply because they are too emotionally bonded to walk away.
• Breaking someone’s heart unnecessarily over a relationship ‘deal-breaker’ that could have been discovered without the pair getting emotionally attached.

But does the Bible have anything to say about the 2 beliefs that underpin our boyfriend/girlfriend culture? Well we see that an unmarried woman, scripturally is a single woman…

To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am. (1 Cor 7:8).

…which presumes she does not belong to a man.  Moreover, we see no concept in the Bible of a woman/man being ‘taken’ or being ‘owned’ before betrothal/marriage.  Furthermore, men are called to treat all young unmarried women as biological sisters…

Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity. (1 Tim 5:1b-2)

…which presumes that there would not be any physical intimacy of a romantic nature.

But there is more to it than that…

1. The Bible teaches that we should love our neighbour as ourselves (Mark 12:31) and that to love our neighbour is to do no harm to them (Romans 13:10).
2. Biblical principles such as…

• Sex outside of marriage and adultery being sin (Galatians 5:19)
• Guarding our hearts (Proverbs 4:23)
• Not stirring up or awakening love until it pleases (Song of Solomon 2:7)
• God hating divorce and the violence it causes (Malachi 2:16a)

…reveal, among other things, God’s desire that we would not hurt one another or experience or cause deep romantic heartbreak. Thus I think the belief that two people who are not permanently committed can…

1. Belong to one another

2. Be in an intimate relationship meaning they:

• Are romantically physically intimate
• Do things together which are romantically emotionally intimate to enjoy the intimacy of belonging to one another

…that underpins our boyfriend/girlfriend culture is sinful at its core because it normalises damaging and hurting people. For thousands of years Christians have been getting married without holding to these two beliefs. My prayer is that more pastors around the western world will start teaching their singles how to get to know each other, pursue marriage and make wise marriage choices without embracing the two harmful beliefs explored in this article that are the very foundation of our boyfriend/girlfriend culture.

You may be thinking, what’s the alternative?  How can we move towards marriage without belonging to a person first? Our articles, ‘A culture of stirred up love‘ and ‘Boyfriends vs Courtship (What’s the difference)‘ offer some suggestions.

• If you struggled to understand how the parable related to boyfriend/girlfriend culture, click here for a detailed break down.

What do you think?

Have we accurately portrayed our girlfriend/boyfriend culture?  Do you have a personal experience that relates to this article?  Please let us know by commenting below.

[Rowina Seidler. The image used in this article is the same one a pastor recently used in a blog post defending boyfriend relationships. I chose to use it as I think it typifies the level of emotional attachment, physical intimacy and stirred up love that has become normal for many Christians to experience with multiple people they don’t marry].

The post Beliefs That Break Hearts first appeared on Ruby in the Rough.