Basically, the question seems to be how exactly single Christians should relate to members of the opposite sex in that large and awkward zone between “we’ve never met” and a deliberate dating or courting relationship.

Much of this is a fairly new problem. Essentially, the historical reality is that until 30 or 40 years ago, long, intimate friendships between men and women in which each served as the other’s emotional confidante, relationship adviser and “best buddy” were far less common than they are today.

So is the trend toward intimate friendships between single men and women a good thing? In my view, not so much. If you haven’t read my previous articles on biblical dating, you’ll be helped in thinking through this issue by reading “Biblical Dating: What is it?” Based on some of the principles found there, let me offer a couple of practical reasons why I believe such friendships to be generally unwise, and then I’ll suggest a positive role for friendship among singles in the Christian community.

Friendship That Invites Confusion and Frustration

In previous articles, I’ve raised several biblical principles regarding the way we should treat our brothers and sisters in Christ. First Thessalonians 4:1-8 admonishes us not to wrong or “defraud” our brother or sister by implying a marital level of commitment (through sexual involvement) when it does not exist. As I’ve discussed before, a broad (but sound) implication of this passage is that “defrauding” could include inappropriate emotional — as well as physical — intimacy. Romans 13:8-14 calls us to love others, to work for their souls’ good rather than looking to please ourselves. More specifically, verse 10 reminds us that “[l]ove does no harm to its neighbor.” Romans 14:1-15:7 offers a discourse on favoring weaker brothers and sisters above ourselves, valuing and encouraging that which is good in the souls of others.

Bottom line: I believe it is extremely difficult and rare — as a practical matter — to honor these principles in the context of a close, intimate friendship between two single Christians of the opposite sex. (For the verbally precise among you, I think such friendships between non-single Christians are also a bad idea, but that’s not what we’re talking about here.)

Intimate friendships between men and women almost always produce confusion and frustration for at least one of the parties involved. Close friendships by their very nature tend to involve extensive time talking and hanging out one-on-one. They tend to involve a deep knowledge of the other person’s hopes, desires and personality. They tend to involve the sharing of many aspects of each other’s daily lives and routines. In other words, they tend to involve much of the type of intimacy and companionship involved in — and meant for — marriage.

Yet even with all this deep communication going on, at least one aspect of these friendships inherently involves a mixed message. No matter how clearly one or both of you have defined what’s happening as “just friends,” your actions are constantly saying, “I enjoy being with you and interacting with you in a way that suggests marriage (or at least romantic attraction).”

The simple reality (of which most people are aware, whether they admit it or not) is that in the vast majority of these types of relationships, one of the parties involved either began the “friendship” with romantic feelings for the other person or develops them along the way. Either way, that person is now hanging on to the “friendship” in the hope of getting something more despite the “clear words” from the other person that he or she wants nothing beyond friendship.

To the extent that one person’s romantic feelings have been clearly articulated to the other (and were met with an unfavorable response) to continue in some no-man’s land of “good friends,” is arguably to take selfish advantage of the vulnerable party. Yes, I know, the other person is an adult who is free and responsible to walk away if he or she is so unsatisfied, but like it or not, it tends not to work that way. Hope springs eternal, whether it should or not.

And that’s the “clear” scenario. What if one person develops romantic feelings in a friendship in which no “clear words” have been spoken, such that the desires of the other person are a mystery? Especially if it’s the woman in this position (as seems to be the case more often than not) she will likely feel that if she pushes for something more than friendship, she may lose the interaction and companionship she currently has. Still, given her desire for a husband — and perhaps to have this man as her husband — the status quo of “just really good friends but nothing more for some odd reason” will leave her unsatisfied, frustrated and confused. I have seen and heard and read of such frustration and hurt playing out many times over.

Certainly, a man can find himself in a similar position with a woman he’s attracted to, but given his obligation to be clear and intentional with the woman and to initiate the type of relationship he truly desires, he arguably has placed — or at least kept — himself in such a position. He simply is not “between a rock and a hard place” in the same way a woman is.

Finally, there’s one more type of confusion to consider. How do others view your “friendship”? Ladies, might there be men who would have initiated with you but for their uncertainty about or discomfort with your intimate friendship with another man? Guys, has a woman perhaps turned you down over questions about a woman friend you spend lots of time with? Would youwant to date someone knowing that he or she had a significant, pre-existing and ongoing emotional bond with another single member of the opposite sex? If I were a single person desiring marriage, the answers to these questions would matter to me.

I admit we’re not talking absolutes here, but almost. In my experience counseling and writing on this topic, everybody thinks (or at least claims) that his or her intimate friendship is the exception. “No way we’ll end up in one of the situations you just talked about. Unlike most other people of our age and experience, we are (insert favorite answer here) a) really astute students of our own and each other’s hearts, b) super-clear and talented communicators, c) always honest with each other, even when such honesty entails huge vulnerability for whoever is speaking, d) all of the above.”

Maybe. But here I would pose the question that is relevant to so many aspects of the courtship and dating topic. Why risk harm to your own heart or to that of a brother or sister to have a type of companionship that, outside of marriage, is arguably questionable anyway? This brings me to my second argument against intimate one-on-one friendships between brothers and sisters in Christ.

Enjoying the Convenient, Delaying the Good

Let’s assume for the sake of argument that your intimate friendship is one of those rare jewels that is devoid of the potential for hurt or confusion. There’s another drawback to such friendships. They discourage marriage.

Men and women who are not called to long-term singleness and celibacy have a strong desire for companionship with a member of the opposite sex. This is good and right. As I’ve discussed before, Scripture seems to consider marriage (and children) to be a normal part of the progression toward biblical manhood and womanhood (see, among others, Genesis 1:27-28; 2:23-24; Matthew 24:38-41; Luke 20:34-36).

In the past, when both sexual immorality and intimate male-female friendships were much less accepted and less common in society, men and women moved more deliberately toward marriage earlier in life. By offering a taste of the companionship and interactions that make marriage so satisfying, with none of the accompanying commitments or responsibilities entailed in marriage, intimate friendships discourage the pursuit of the grown-up, God-intended outlet for marital desires — marriage. This is especially so in a culture — and a church — that struggles with the widespread sociological trend in its young adults known as “perpetual adolescence.” Albert Mohler, Alex and Brett Harris, Candice Watters and other Boundless authors have written about this trend at length. In fact, the failure of many Christian men to pursue marriage well into their 20s and 30s may be one of the most disturbing results of this trend, but that’s another topic for another day.

As you probably know, I believe Scripture to teach that engaging in the types of emotional intimacy and companionship involved in close male-female friendships — outside of marriage and for their own sake — is wrong (see everything else I’ve ever written for Ruby in the Rough). But even if you don’t accept that premise, such intimacy is still inadvisable in the sense that it delays and discourages marriage, which Scripture unambiguously calls good and right.

I would especially encourage women who desire marriage to give this argument some thought. If you are one of the many women to write me to complain with great frustration that “Christian men don’t initiate,” consider this: Are you and your sisters satisfying the intermediate needs of your guy friends such that they feel no particular compulsion to pursue marriage?

Friendship Within A Context of Community

So am I saying that I’m against the idea of relationships growing out of Christian friendship? Am I saying that friendship among single brothers and sisters has no place? Am I saying that single men and women need to shun one another, speaking only to utter the words “will you date me,” followed by “yes” or “no”? Absolutely not. In fact, I would argue that dating or courting relationships ideally grow out of friendship among co-laborers in the Gospel. The question is what those friendships look like practically.

First Timothy 5 describes a relationship among Christian men and women not married to one another as that of brothers and sisters. The Lord has mercifully called us not to live the Christian life alone but as part of a community of believers. Single men and women can and should serve in ministry together, study the Word together and hang out together socially. They should go out together, gather around meals, watch movies. In my view, however, these activities should be done, for the most part, in groups rather than one-on-one. Men can initiate group get-togethers, and so can women. In fact, single brothers and sisters in Christ, like the rest of Christ’s body, are positively called to care for one another. Men can (and should) give women rides home rather than have them walk alone at night. Men can come over and move couches. Women can cook a meal for a group of guys in danger of developing scurvy from a near total lack of vegetables. Knock yourselves out.

Friendships grow out of the body of Christ functioning and, in turn, result in interests beyond friendship. To be sure, the friendships that develop in this context are not the same friendships with the same level of intimacy that would develop from spending consistent time alone with someone, but they provide a context from which initiations and relationships can bloom. Remember, the world has falsely told us that a high level of intimacy with another person needs to precede any sort of commitment to another person.

Is there a precise formula for whether a friendship or series of interactions is too intimate? If there is, I don’t know it. Hang out in groups; serve together. By all means, chat and be friendly with your brothers and sisters in Christ. Should a friend make the assumption that you’re ready to marry him or her if you initiate a one-on-one conversation at church or at a group dinner? No. Have you blown two tires and gone screaming off into the trees if you ask someone to lunch or coffee once or twice? Maybe not. Depends on what happens from there.

Just be aware that “friendship” is no more a forum to play married than a dating relationship is. If you find that you are consistently showing one of your opposite-sex Christian friends more one-on-one attention than all the others, whether in conversation or through invitations out, it’s probably time for 1) some clarification of intentions and (most likely) a change in the status of the relationship to something more overtly official, or 2) a change in the way you interact with that person. Beyond that, godly single adults will have to work this out on a case-by-case basis [© Scott Croft. Scott lives in Kentucky, where he works as an attorney and serves as an elder of Third Avenue Baptist Church]

The post Can Men & Women Be “Just Friends”? first appeared on Ruby in the Rough.

As you move into the stage of life in which you begin to seriously consider marriage generally or a particular relationship, your first step should be to soberly reflect, before God, on your own spiritual walk and maturity in Christ. If you aspire to be a godly husband or wife someday, what have you done and what are you doing to prepare for that ministry?

Second, are you at a place in your life at which you are ready and able to marry? As I’ve written on this site before, “practice” and “recreation” are not good reasons to court (See Biblical Courtship: What is it?). Courtship is for the purpose of finding a marriage partner. In my view, if you can’t happily picture yourself married within a year, you’re not in a position to court.

Third, once you decide that you are ready to court, look to God’s Word to decide the kind of person to court, and evaluate potential spouses on those criteria, rather than relying primarily on the world’s treatment of ideas like “attraction” and “chemistry.” I wrote at some length on this in my article, “Brother, You’re Like a Six.”

For you busy singles with time for only one mildly irritating column per day, the summary is this: Pick a potential dating partner with an eye toward godly manhood and womanhood — with an eye toward who would make a good husband or wife, defined by those characteristics God esteems in His Word, not the ones Hollywood likes.

See what an unsatisfying bumper-sticker treatment that was? You might want to read the full piece.

Men Initiate

Among the different roles assigned to men and women in the Bible, men are assigned the role of leadership. This is true in the church and in the family. This is not a signal of male superiority or of the greater importance of men. It is simply God’s design and assignment of equally valuable roles among spiritually equal beings. Men initiate, women respond. Briefly, biblical support for this position is found, among other passages, in the creation order in Genesis 2, in 1 Corinthians 11: 7-9, and Ephesians 5. True, these passages refer to marriage, but it is wise and right to set patterns that will serve you well in marriage, especially if one accepts the premise that the purpose of dating is to find a marriage partner.

What does this actually look like in a budding relationship between two people?

First, the man should initiate. Whether this means approaching the woman herself or her father or someone filling that role instead of her father, it should be the guy that starts things off. As I mentioned, he should not do this until he is “ready” to marry. If you’re not ready to marry, you’re not ready to date.

As a quick aside, if you are a single man and you would not describe yourself as ready to be married within a year, think about why that is. I mention this for two reasons: 1) Scripture seems not just to encourage, but to assume that part of the growth into biblical manhood is to seek marriage, so this is a biblical goal; and 2) easily the biggest complaint that I and others who advocate this approach get from godly Christian women is that men don’t initiate.

If you’re still in school or not out on your own, disregard this for the moment. But if you’re out of college and do not feel specifically called to singleness for biblical reasons, why are you not looking to be married? Dr. Albert Mohler has talked about a growing culture in society and in our churches of perpetual boyhood; some psychologists call it the “Peter Pan syndrome.”

As I said, in the Bible, marriage and family are considered a natural stage of progression toward manhood. The command in Genesis to be fruitful and multiply is a general command. When Paul extols singleness in 1 Corinthians 7 (which is an often-misused passage in this area of life), it is singleness for the purpose of enhanced ministry (discipleship, teaching, missionary work).

If you are floating around staying single because you enjoy social flexibility or having time to yourself or hanging out with the guys or because you have worldly ideas about the perfect woman or how to approach marriage, consider: Are you approaching manhood and marriage biblically? Every male who is out of college should have at least thought this through.

Once he determines he is ready to be married generally, and once he has found a particular woman he is interested in pursuing, our single man’s next step is to “put some feelers out.” He should talk to some of her friends, see if she’s been asking about him, have one or two subtly suggestive conversations with her to see if she gives anything away…. NO! This is not initiation. Initiation is not manipulating the situation so that while you’re  asking her out on a date there’s no actual risk of rejection or embarrassment.

Initiation means initiation. It means that you as the man take the first step, risk and all.

In his Boundless article, “Real Men Risk Rejection,” Michael Lawrence eloquently summarizes both the objections some men might raise to this idea, and, in my view, the ideal response:

‘Wait a minute. Are you saying that all the risk is mine?’ Yes I am. ‘Doesn’t that mean that she can just tell me no and leave me twisting in the wind?’ Yes it does. Welcome to leadership. Welcome to trusting God. Welcome to being a man. Your cards belong on the table. Your intentions and your feelings, to the extent that you can discern them and it is appropriate for you to share them, should be clear. Part of your role even at this early stage is to protect the woman of your interest from unnecessary risk and vulnerability by providing a safe context in which she can respond.

Women Respond

As it is the man’s God-given role to initiate, so it is the woman’s God-given role to respond. Her response may be positive or negative, it may occur through her father, her family or words directly to her potential suitor. But whatever the circumstances, her role is as responder, not initiator. As single men need to learn how to lead (whether they like it or not), single women need to learn what it is to let a man assume spiritual leadership in the relationship — and to respond to that leadership. Ultimately, this means learning to trust God’s goodness and sovereignty.

Clearly, this is not the popular secular view of the “liberated” woman’s role. Hollywood’s perfect woman runs with the boys, knows what she wants and is aggressive en route to getting it — especially romantically. Hilariously, Hollywood even writes these characters into period pieces, as if the normal woman at all levels of society in the 18th and 19th centuries was a post-feminist, post-sexual-revolution, “there-ain’t-no-difference-between-me-and-you” libertine. But I digress.

Needless to say, that is not the biblical picture of the responder. So what does this picture look like? Does this mean that a woman should never ask a man out on a first date? I think it does. Does this mean that a woman shouldn’t give the guy the assurance he needs by “leaking” news of her interest to him by way of his friends? Again, I think so.

“Wait,” you say. “What if I’m really interested in a man and he just isn’t getting it and I need to move him along?” Don’t. When men drop the ball on leadership (as we often do), it presents a temptation for the woman involved to pick up the reins and lead for him. This is no less true within marriage. Picking up the reins sets a terrible pattern that only confuses the roles in the relationship and encourages both of you to take the role of the other to the detriment of the relationship and ultimately the marriage.

The Lord is sovereign. If it doesn’t work out with a particular guy because he didn’t step up, the Lord will cause something else to work out. He knows what is best for each of us, and all of us must learn to trust Him — especially about things that are really important to us.

Accountability

Finally, let me advocate the initiating of a courtship under some accountability structure. I mentioned the woman’s father or family because until the second half of the 20th century, that’s largely how it was done. The idea was to protect the woman from potential hurt or awkwardness, to aid her in evaluating a man whom she might not have known well at the time of his initiation, and to help ensure that the relationship was carried out honorably.

Certainly, this norm spread beyond the believing community and became more of a cultural phenomenon, but it still gels well with attempts to carry out a godly courtship — especially among those believers who hold a complementarian view of biblical gender roles.

In this day and age, however, the hard fact is that many single Christian women have fathers who are not involved in their lives at all, are not believers, or are indifferent to or unaware of the notion of protecting and shepherding their daughters and potential suitors in a courtship context.

Where that is the case, a natural alternative might be some married individual or couple within the woman’s (or man’s) church community. Ladies, this doesn’t mean that you have to cut your would-be suitor off mid-sentence, take off running and shout your father’s (or whomever’s) name and phone number over your shoulder as you go. It may mean that you explain to him that before you are willing to spend some more serious time with him, he needs to meet person or couple X and discuss it with them or with the two of you.

If you don’t desire that sort of protection or aid, at least insist that the two of you begin to meet with others who know one or both of you well so that there will be consistent accountability and an outside perspective on how the courtship is going. Humble openness to accountability is essential to a godly courtship.

So that’s my take on initiation. It’s not exhaustive coverage, I realize, but this should at least get your relationship started on broad principles [© Scott Croft. Scott lives in Kentucky, where he works as an attorney and serves as an elder of Third Avenue Baptist Church]

• This article is Part 2 of a series on Biblical Courtship.  Read Part 1: Biblical Courtship: What is it?
• The next article in the series is Part 3: Biblical Courtship: Navigating the Early Stages.
• This series of articles on Biblical Courtship will continue over the following months. Please sign-up to receive articles by email as they are published.

The post Biblical Courtship: How Should It Begin? first appeared on Ruby in the Rough.

First of all let’s consider, “What is pursuing?” Imagine your little niece asks you to play a game of chase and then proceeds to chase you around your garden.  She is the pursuer.  What if you then turn around and chase her back.  Now who is the pursuer?  You are.  To let her remain the pursuer throughout the game, you must either not chase her back or at least let her do the bulk of the chasing.  I would argue it’s the same when it comes to men.  To let him pursue and lead, we must quite simply not pursue him back or at least let him do the majority of the pursuing!  What actions are actions of pursuit?  I would say they are actions that either:

• Clearly initiate a courtship
• Keep the courtship going
• Move the courtship towards engagement and marriage

An easy way to figure out what’s probably an act of pursuit is to ask yourself the question, “if a guy did that to me, would I take it as a clear sign of initial or continuing interest?”  If yes, then it’s most likely an act of pursuit!  Now please understand me: I am NOT saying women should never perform “acts of pursuit”.  There might be times where it would be common sense and even wise for a woman to perform an act of pursuit. However, I do think that to let men pursue is to let them do the majority of these actions.

Below are 4 examples. These are just my opinions so please feel free to disagree and please don’t treat them as “rules”!

1. Telling a man we want to be with him or inviting him out for what is clearly a date.

There are plenty of ways we can be encouraging to a man without actively telling him we want to be with him.  We can be kind, laugh at his jokes, smile at him when he is talking, listen to him attentively and look genuinely happy to see him.  We can also pray and ask God that if it’s His Will for us to enter into a courtship with the guy, that God would show the guy and give the guy the courage to tell us.  If after all this he has still not told us he is romantically interested in us, I would say in the majority of situations it’s better for us to just stop thinking about him romantically and get on with life. The guy is probably not that interested in us.

What about times when men show girls a great deal of interest and attention without speaking to them directly about their intentions? It might be appropriate for a girl to ask the guy what is going on and what his intentions are (or getting her father or a church elder to do this).

2. Calling the guy who is pursuing us to chat or initiating casual/romantic texts.

There might be times we need to call him or text him. For example to confirm a time for meeting.  Before engagement however, there is rarely a need for women to be frequently and incessantly initiating long calls or numerous casual text messages and especially not romantic ones.  Being the main initiator of communication keeps a courtship going and I would therefore argue is primarily the man’s job.  I am not saying we can never initiate calls or texts but that I think to let him pursue is to let him initiate the majority of them.  If a guy really likes us, he will most likely want to call and text us and keep on calling and texting!  Some men don’t like the phone and prefer face to face.  Calling or texting such men can actually annoy them!  You may think…if I let him initiate most of the communication, how will he know that I am interested?  What if I put him off?  If you are friendly on the phone and sound pleased to hear from him and reply to his texts you won’t put a guy off who really likes you.  If the guy thinks he has met his future wife, he will be so happy you have agreed to court him that he won’t be worrying too much that you don’t pursue him by rarely initiating calls!

I would also add that we are called by God in Song of Solomon to not stir or awaken love until it pleases (See A culture of stirred up love).  High levels of communication can help us fall for a man who we will not marry.  If he wants to be in deep communication every day, I would recommend that you prayerfully share with him that it’s a bit too much and that you don’t want your love to be stirred up prematurely.

3. Advertising our ‘relationship’ on Facebook before engagement through changing our relationship status to “In A Relationship”, posting up pictures of the two of us looking like a couple and writing statuses that talk as if we are his.

I have problems with this for a number of reasons and the first one has nothing to do with who is pursuing who.

1. When we see someone is now “In a relationship” on Facebook we think “they are together now”, “he is her man and she is his girl” and “they are exclusive and committed”.  Biblically, there is no such thing as being a couple before the commitment of betrothal and thus I would encourage women to not see themselves as “in a committed, exclusive relationship” until they are engaged. What if he is the one to want to change his relationship status and promote your courtship?  I would advise you to discuss with him the reasons why such behaviour could be unwise.  You can read ‘A culture of stirred up love‘ if you are not sure.
2. By us women deciding to be the one to promote our courtship publicly we are pushing it forward, showing a huge amount of interest and are thus again taking the lead.  Moreover, such behaviour can put unnecessary pressure on the guy.

4. Going out of our way to see him

You just happened to drive past his house and had to stop in to say,”Hi”, on Valentines day?  You travel 100 miles to see him every weekend and he hardly ever comes to see you? You always turn up to his church for the evening service even though it’s on the other side of London?  You might move house to live closer to him? You changed your university course so you can study together and see him all the time?  If so, it would seem that you are pursuing him.  To let him lead and pursue, I would argue, is to let him be the one to go out of his way to see you the majority of the time. If you are the one investing far more time, energy and effort into seeing him, arguably you are the one pursuing.

Further suggestions and clarifications

I am certainly NOT saying that I think you can’t be direct, honest and open with men or that you can’t share your opinions with them.  Nor am I saying that you have to submit to a man you are not married to or have to let him pursue you.  Furthermore, I am not saying it’s inappropriate to share with him how you would like him to pursue you in a different way. What about if you feel things are going too fast and you want to put on the breaks.  Is that pursuing?  I would argue ‘no’ and that it’s often necessary for a woman to slow things down.  I see pursuing as pushing things forward whereas putting on the breaks is holding things back and thus arguably not pursuing! For example, I would not consider it pursuing if he says, “I would like to get engaged in the next few months”, and you reply, “I would like to go through the book 101 questions to ask before you get engaged before we think about getting engaged”.

So there are my examples!  Do you agree that the above are acts of pursuit?  Can you think of anymore?  Let us know by commenting below! [Rowina Seidler]

Note: If you happen to be married and pursued your husband and lead the courtship, please understand that I am NOT saying your marriage will be in anyway less godly or less God ordained than the marriages of others.  Nor am I suggesting your marriage is in anyway doomed to destruction. If however you are still currently the leader and head of your marriage, I would encourage you to read Ephesians 5:21-33, 1 Peter 3:1 and Titus 2:3-5).

The post How to NOT pursue men first appeared on Ruby in the Rough.

[The LORD said…] Take wives and have sons and daughters; take wives for your sons, and give your daughters in marriage, that they may bear sons and daughters; multiply there, and do not decrease. (Jeremiah 29:6)

The biblical pattern is:

• men taking wives
• father’s taking wives for their son’s
• father’s giving their daughters to the men as wives.

Moreover, we see it’s the men themselves or the fathers of the men/women who find the spouses.  Women didn’t go out searching for husbands themselves.  Some marriages were arranged (Genesis 24) and some were not (as can be seen in the first part of the verse above). It seems that the women would have the choice to accept a marriage proposal or not (Genesis 24:8, 24:57).  Furthermore, we see time and time again that romantic relationships including the pursuit, betrothal and marriage mirror Christ’s relationship with His church (See Ezekiel 16, Ephesians 5, Revelation 21:2,9).   The Bible is not a story of mankind pursuing God and God then responding but rather a story of God pursuing man and man responding. The male/female romantic roles in the Bible seem to reflect Christ’s love, pursuit, care and sacrifice for His church as well as His authority over His church.  If you are not convinced, I have collected a few more scriptures including a look at Ruth and Boaz’s relationship. Am I saying that I think it’s sinful or wrong for a woman to pursue a man? No, I am not. I would however say to do so is working against a scriptural pattern and could be unwise.

What does it mean to be the pursuer/leader? The Bible does not spell this out so this is just my personal take.  I would say that:

The pursuer is the person who performs the majority of the acts of pursuit.

What are acts of pursuit?  I would say they are actions that either:

• Clearly initiate a courtship
• Keep the courtship going
• Move the courtship towards engagement and marriage

Now please understand me: I am NOT saying that for a woman to let a man pursue/lead she can never perform acts of pursuit.  There might be times where it would be common sense and even wise for a woman to perform an act of pursuit. However, I do think that to let men pursue and lead is to let them do the majority of these actions. To understand this more, take a look at our article ‘How to Not pursue men’.

Below are a few potential consequences of women pursuing men:

1. We should start as we mean to go on

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.  Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, (Ephesians 5:22-24)

In marriage, the man is called to love us and lead us and we are called to follow him and submit.  When this happens, marriage can be a beautiful living picture of the relationship between Christ and His church.  When the woman wears the trousers in a marriage and the man passively follows her, the picture is distorted.  Would you like to be in a marriage where you are the head and your husband the submissive follower? If this is your desire then you do not want a Christian marriage and most Christian women would hopefully say “No”!

What does this have to do with him being the pursuer?  We can’t expect a man who we have pursued and persuaded to marry us, a man who has passively submitted to our will, to suddenly transform into the leader and pursuer once we get married.   In addition, if we have taken the role of the leader, get married and want to let him lead, do you think it will be easy for us to relinquish control?  Relationships are difficult to change and we should start as we mean to go on.  The benefits of doing so are huge!   If we do get married to a godly, kind, responsible man and he has taken his role as leader from the beginning, we get to marry a guy who takes responsibility for the marriage.  A guy who protects as, guides us and looks after us.  A man who continues to chase us and treasures us.  We get to relax in our marriages and enjoy the freedom of letting him be the head!

2. A man who likes us enough will pursue us

18 Jacob loved Rachel. And he said, “I will serve you seven years for your younger daughter Rachel.”…20 So Jacob served seven years for Rachel, and they seemed to him but a few days because of the love he had for her (Genesis 29:18,20).

Like Jacob, when a man meets a woman who he thinks he would like to marry, he is willing to work to get her.  Conversely, if a man does not have the drive or passion to pursue a woman, we have to question if he likes her enough. Do we desire to marry someone who was never that into us but ended up marrying us because we pursued him and pressurized him?  I imagine not!  Most of us want to marry a man who appreciates, cherishes and values us.  A man who is attracted to us, desires us and feels privileged to be married to us.

Such a man will be willing to pursue.

• He will be willing to pick up that phone to ring us and will continue to be willing!
• He will not be put off if we don’t call him to chat but will be happy we have taken his call!
• He will want to initiate serious conversations about the future and he will want to frequently see us!

By pursuing a man we might end up being involved with someone who never would have chased us and doesn’t really think we are a catch.  On the other hand, by only considering men who are willing to work to obtain us, we weed out the candidates who are not that serious and avoid a lot of heartache.  In addition, if we do get married, we get to marry a guy who thinks we are wonderful and a real prize!

3. We can put him off and end up heartbroken

Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is strong as death, jealousy is fierce as the grave. Its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the Lord. (Song of Songs 8:6)

Love is a very powerful thing and to fall in love and then be rejected can cause deep scars.  In my experience over the years and after talking to many men and women it seems that chasing men and trying to lead can increase the likelihood of a woman experiencing heartbreak.  It appears that God has wired men and women differently since it is the experience of many individuals that:

• A woman can be pursued by a man whom she really likes and continually grow in respect towards him.  In fact a woman can grow to like a man she was not initially interested in through him pursuing her.  It seems as if she has been designed by God to be pursued.
• When a man is heavily and continually pursued by a woman whom he really likes, he will often begin to lose respect for her (perhaps because she is taking away his God given role?)
• A woman loves it when a man she likes calls her far more than she calls him and is always the one to initiate a meet-up. In contrast a man can begin to find it irritating when a woman he likes calls him far more than he calls her and is always the one initiating meet-ups before he has even had the chance to ask her.
• The same behavior we find sweet that stirs us love in us, can seem annoying, clingy and desperate to a man.

Many a man has broken things off with a woman he was initially attracted to because she has unwittingly driven him away by pursuing him and trying to lead.  He might not even know exactly why.  He might just know that he initially felt a spark and found her very interesting and in time the spark was lost. By understanding how God made us differently and allowing the guy to lead and perform the majority of the actions of pursuit, we reduce the possibility of heartbreak.

4. We can use our single years far more fruitfully and effectively.

Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. (Ephesians 5:15-16)

Matthew 6:33 But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness,

How much time do women waste interested in guys who are not that interested whom will never marry them.  How many years do women waste through being involved with men whom they pursued and ended up pushing away? Our time on this earth is short and there are so many people who have not yet heard the gospel and so many people who desperately need to be discipled in our churches.  We are called to seek God’s kingdom first and when we do this as single people, we can deeply impact the church and the world!  Women are in a hugely privileged position compared to men in this aspect: we don’t need to worry about finding a man!  We can seek God and His work without distraction.  If a godly man asks to pursue us, we can begin considering if they would make a suitable husband.  But until then, we can freely serve the Lord without having to worry about searching for a man!  Moreover, we don’t have to expose ourselves to the huge possibility of rejection in the same way a man does.  We can just go about our business and only be pursued by men who want to be with us. This again enables us to seek and serve the Lord wholeheartedly in a far more pain free fashion then a man.  Lord, help us to use this great privilege effectively!

So are you convinced that women should not pursue men?  Let us know by commenting below! [Rowina Seidler] Follow on article…How to NOT pursue men.

The post Should women pursue? first appeared on Ruby in the Rough.