Changing your relationship status to ‘in a relationship’…

1. Implies that you are no longer single

However in God’s eyes you still are. Biblically we only stop being single when we are engaged. The ‘in a relationship’ status is a modern invention that finds no roots in the Bible.

2. Implies you have made unspoken vows

Unspoken vows along the following lines are implied by the change in status:

“I (name), take you (name) to be my boyfriend, to have and to hold from this day forward. I promise to love, comfort, honour, cherish and protect (name), forsaking all others, be faithful to (name) unless we breakup. Amen”.

The unspoken vows of being ‘in a relationship’ are similar to those of marriage because the girlfriend/boyfriend relationship is a marriage-like relationship. However these vows are not the type of vows God makes and I believe are illegitimate in God’s eyes. He does not promise to love and cherish us unless He breaks up with us. He promises to love and cherish Christians forever because love is not something that is supposed to fail (1 Cor 13:8). Vows that allow for a painful divorce-like split can’t please God.

3. Implies you belong to each other

“He’s my man”, ”I’m his girl” and ”We are together” are terms used when ‘in a relationship’. These are terms that suggest you romantically ‘belong’ to the guy. However in God’s eyes you do not. The guy is not “yours” and you are not “his”. You should rather see him as a brother in Christ who could be somebody else’s husband.

4. Implies there is something to celebrate

Once you change your Facebook status you will inevitably get a whole heap of ‘likes’ and comments such as “Congratulations!” and “I’m so happy for you”. However there is nothing to celebrate. The guy may not marry you. He may well marry someone else. Imagine you went to an interview and the interview panel cracked open a bottle of champagne five minutes in – before they’ve even decided to offer you the job or not. You’d rightly think such behaviour was inappropriate. You may not get the job and such celebration could give false hope.

Furthermore I think it’s unwise to change your status because doing so…

1. Adds unnecessary pressure

Once you go public you will inevitably provoke a lot of attention that can add a huge amount of pressure to your time of getting to know a guy. Pressure can be an attraction killer. It can lead to you or the guy feeling overwhelmed, smothered and then bailing out when you could have ended up in an amazing marriage. Equally, the pressure of going public can lead to people getting married who have serious and valid reservations – because they feel things have gone too far to back out.

2. Can lead to shame

Love always protects (1 Cor 13:7)

If things don’t lead to marriage, which they often don’t, then you and the guy must both very publicly change your relationship status back to single. If it was you who decided marriage was no longer on the cards then it could be quite difficult for the guy. Love protects and to protect another is to protect them from potential public shame.

3. Can create a false sense of security

Love does no harm (Rom 13:10)

Declaring your romance to the Facebook world can leave him ecstatic. It can hugely stir up his love and give him a false sense of security. If months down the line you then decide marriage is not best, the guy can feel far more rejected and hurt than if you had not made a public declaration. Likewise, you could end up with a false sense of security that could lead to more heartbreak for you.

So when I don’t ‘like’ your ‘in a relationship’ status on Facebook, please don’t think that I don’t care about your happiness.  It’s because I care about your long-term happiness and the happiness of the guy that I won’t.

Want to know more?

I highly recommend the book: ‘God’s Way for Romance‘ by Stuart Burgess. WE HAVE 10 SIGNED COPIES TO GIVEAWAY. JUST LIKE THIS ARTICLE AND WRITE A COMMENT BELOW TO BE IN FOR A CHANCE OF WINNING! I would also recommend my article: Boyfriends vs Courtship (What’s the Difference?)

The post Why I won’t ‘like’ your relationship status first appeared on Ruby in the Rough.

That’s where the following practical suggestions come in. Note the phrase “practical suggestions.” These are not sacrosanct biblical principles. This is not the only way the early part of a courtship might look. These are simply suggested applications of biblical principles. In the end, there is no formula and no rote substitute for intellectually honest Christians seeking to care well for one another and to faithfully apply Scripture to infinitely varied relational circumstances.

So with all that said, let’s consider how the principle of caring for one another well in the early stages of a relationship might look.

What Are We Doing Again?

The first thing that should happen, if it has not happened during the initiation of the courtship, is that intentions should be established. Whatever that conversation looks like, intentions should be clear and it should be the man making them. So guys, tell her why you have initiated or are initiating with her, tell her that you intend to pursue the relationship to determine if marriage to her is the right choice before God.

In my view, this establishing of intentions should be done near the beginning of any one-on-one romantic time spent together — preferably within the first two or three “dates” during a deliberate conversation on the subject.

Guys, don’t wait until you’ve had lunch or dinner or “hung out” one-on-one four or five times before you let her know what’s going on. The idea is to remove that period of confusion or vulnerability for the woman by being forthright from the beginning about what level of intention or commitment exists (a la 1 Thessalonians 4). You probably won’t know at this stage how things are going to ultimately turn out regarding marriage (that’s why you court), so you need not communicate that right away. But you should know what you’re trying to find out and what your intentions are — that is what you, as the man, must be clear about. From there, you obviously need a response from the woman to know whether or not things will go any further.

If you know the woman from church, if you’ve seen her interact in a group, observed her with others, maybe worked with her as a part of some ministry, that input should be enough for you to think through the decision of whether initiation of a courtship is the right thing. Remember, your intent at this point is not necessarily marriage — and that’s not what either of you are committing to at this stage. You’re simply committing to get to know her a little better in an intentional way to evaluate whether the two of you should then consider marriage to one another.

Ladies, as uncomfortable as this may sound for the guys, you might be in a difficult position here as well, depending on how well you know the man initiating with you. What if that answer is “not well at all”? Then I’d ask, have you had any chance at all to see him in group settings, or do you know him by reputation? If you don’t have even information at that level, feel free to tell him that you want some time to think and pray about it (that is, if you’re not sure at that point that you’re not interested).

Then — in addition to actually thinking and praying about it — ask one of your pastors or elders whether he knows him and what he thinks. If the pastor or elder you ask doesn’t know him well, he can guide you to a trustworthy source that knows him better.

If you know the man well or at least better than what I’ve just described, but you are not sure whether you are interested in him, I’d encourage you to at least take some time to get to know him before giving an unequivocal “no.” Keep in mind that this is different from feigning interest when there isn’t any. There are instances in which you can be genuinely unsure about a guy but still move forward this far.

Let me say it again: Agreeing to court is not agreeing to marry. That’s why you court. We’re trying to make intentions clear, here, not asking anyone to commit to go the distance with no information.

There are biblical and unbiblical reasons for a man to initiate with a woman, and there are biblical and unbiblical reasons for turning a man down. If you feel that you are not initially attracted to a man who initiates with you, OK — but at least ask yourself why that is. Are you considering biblical characteristics in that decision? Do you have enough information to know that you could not marry this man? If a man initiates with you, ladies, think and pray and seek counsel before simply dismissing him. If nothing else, treating men who initiate well will encourage other men to initiate.

So … Here We Are

If we are concerned about defrauding one another (again, this idea applies to both genders but particularly to the men as the initiators), another one of the early issues to address is how much and what kind of time couples spend together.

What kind of time should couples spend together in the early stages of a courtship?

The answer turns on what you are trying to find out about this person at this stage of things. You’re trying to find out whether this is someone you should know more intimately en route to figuring out whether this is a person you could marry. Did you catch how I phrased that? You are trying to figure out if you should get to know this person more intimately; you are not at the outset trying to get to know this person intimately. The difference is subtle but important.

One suggestion I have for individuals starting out is that the majority of your time together should be spent with other people, preferably with your families and church families. Get to know one another in groups, find out how the other person reacts to people, spend time with the people he or she cares about. This will provide you a chance to get to know him or her well and will also provide a buffer and accountability against getting too emotionally intimate too early.

Many people want to start out a courtship by spending a huge amount of time alone together. This is understandable but unadvisable for a number of reasons. Spending too much time alone promotes a high level of intimacy on a number of fronts, can lead to some level of isolation from other friends, and puts undue emphasis on the relationship in the lives of both people.

If you do spend time alone, spend it in activities, read a book together, be in public places, etc. In these early stages, people should not spend long hours looking into each other’s eyes over candle-lit tables or being alone together at one another’s apartments. To do so courts temptation (so to speak) and implies a level of commitment that’s simply not there yet.

Think not just about the kind of time you spend together, but how much. Even if you spend the right kind of time together, there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. Don’t get together (even with other people) four or five times a week. Leave space in your life for other activities and relationships. And don’t spend every moment that you’re not together on the phone or even emailing or texting or IMing back and forth. Build the momentum (if it will build) slowly.

What Should We Talk About?

Have you thought about the fact that there are some topics that are inherently intimate and that almost automatically promote deep intimacy between two people? What do I mean?

For starters, let me suggest that you not go out in the first week and tell each other the long, teary versions of your testimonies and the greatest personal pain that the Lord has delivered you from in your life.

Don’t immediately make that person your confidante in matters personal and emotional. Don’t articulate your deepest feelings with respect to your life or even how you feel about that person. Also (and this may seem counterintuitive), I advise folks not to spend long periods in prayer together. Prayer is a wonderful thing, but it’s also inherently intimate. Pray for the relationship, but don’t spend hours holding hands and pouring yourselves out before the Throne. That may come.

What should you talk about then? Talk about a book you’re reading, your interests, your faith (in more general terms or along the lines of issues), things going on in your life. Talk about your values and priorities, ambitions and plans you may have, your families and things that are happening in your church or in the world.

All right. Does this sound cold, uninviting, even deceptive? I admit it’s not the stuff of movies, but the very point that I’m making is that at this point it shouldn’t be. You are not yet that other person’s main provision from the Lord for spiritual, emotional and physical intimacy and companionship. That role is reserved for the person’s spouse. You are not that yet. You are in the early stages of seeing if that is a role that the Lord would eventually have you fill in one another’s lives, but you’re not there yet, and the kind of intimacy I’ve described is not to be engaged in on a trial basis. Even if it looks more fun or stimulating to go there — and I know it does — it’s also defrauding your brother or sister.

Emotional Intimacy

This brings me to the larger principle bound up in these suggestions: Deep emotional intimacy should not be established in the early stages of a courtship.

It’s not that you’re being dishonest or cold, it’s simply being cautious about living out a deeper commitment than truly exists between you. Song of Songs 2:7 tells us not to awaken love before it pleases: Do not start what you cannot — without sin — finish.

The modern, secular idea of dating relationships is to test the waters of marriage by acting as much like you are married as possible until you both (in the very heat of that temporary emotion and passion) decide what you want and either get married, or until one of you decides it’s not a good fit and you go through something like a divorce (at least emotionally, if not physically — though that’s pretty common, too).

The biblical idea of marriage holds that such level of relating to one another begins when you are married. It’s one of the things that makes marriage unique. Our goal should be prayerfully to decide whether the person we are courting should be the one we marry without having to go through a de facto divorce if the answer’s no.

Will there still be disappointment and sadness and emotional pain if a courtship doesn’t work out? Of course. There’s no perfect way to do this. I assure you, though, that the pain will be lessened by the honest, mutual, spiritual concern for one another that results when two people treat one another like brothers and sisters in Christ first, and potential spouses second. This is for the protection of the people involved (especially the woman), for the witness of the church and for the glory of God [© Scott Croft. Scott lives in Kentucky, where he works as an attorney and serves as an elder of Third Avenue Baptist Church]

• This article is Part of a series on Biblical Courtship.  Read Part 1: Biblical Courtship: What is it?, Read Part 2: Biblical Courtship: How should it begin?
• The next article in the series is Part 4: Biblical Courtship: Growing in Knowledge
• This series of articles on Biblical Courtship will continue over the following months. Please sign-up to receive articles by email as they are published.

The post Biblical Courtship: Navigating The Early Stages first appeared on Ruby in the Rough.

Basically, the question seems to be how exactly single Christians should relate to members of the opposite sex in that large and awkward zone between “we’ve never met” and a deliberate dating or courting relationship.

Much of this is a fairly new problem. Essentially, the historical reality is that until 30 or 40 years ago, long, intimate friendships between men and women in which each served as the other’s emotional confidante, relationship adviser and “best buddy” were far less common than they are today.

So is the trend toward intimate friendships between single men and women a good thing? In my view, not so much. If you haven’t read my previous articles on biblical dating, you’ll be helped in thinking through this issue by reading “Biblical Dating: What is it?” Based on some of the principles found there, let me offer a couple of practical reasons why I believe such friendships to be generally unwise, and then I’ll suggest a positive role for friendship among singles in the Christian community.

Friendship That Invites Confusion and Frustration

In previous articles, I’ve raised several biblical principles regarding the way we should treat our brothers and sisters in Christ. First Thessalonians 4:1-8 admonishes us not to wrong or “defraud” our brother or sister by implying a marital level of commitment (through sexual involvement) when it does not exist. As I’ve discussed before, a broad (but sound) implication of this passage is that “defrauding” could include inappropriate emotional — as well as physical — intimacy. Romans 13:8-14 calls us to love others, to work for their souls’ good rather than looking to please ourselves. More specifically, verse 10 reminds us that “[l]ove does no harm to its neighbor.” Romans 14:1-15:7 offers a discourse on favoring weaker brothers and sisters above ourselves, valuing and encouraging that which is good in the souls of others.

Bottom line: I believe it is extremely difficult and rare — as a practical matter — to honor these principles in the context of a close, intimate friendship between two single Christians of the opposite sex. (For the verbally precise among you, I think such friendships between non-single Christians are also a bad idea, but that’s not what we’re talking about here.)

Intimate friendships between men and women almost always produce confusion and frustration for at least one of the parties involved. Close friendships by their very nature tend to involve extensive time talking and hanging out one-on-one. They tend to involve a deep knowledge of the other person’s hopes, desires and personality. They tend to involve the sharing of many aspects of each other’s daily lives and routines. In other words, they tend to involve much of the type of intimacy and companionship involved in — and meant for — marriage.

Yet even with all this deep communication going on, at least one aspect of these friendships inherently involves a mixed message. No matter how clearly one or both of you have defined what’s happening as “just friends,” your actions are constantly saying, “I enjoy being with you and interacting with you in a way that suggests marriage (or at least romantic attraction).”

The simple reality (of which most people are aware, whether they admit it or not) is that in the vast majority of these types of relationships, one of the parties involved either began the “friendship” with romantic feelings for the other person or develops them along the way. Either way, that person is now hanging on to the “friendship” in the hope of getting something more despite the “clear words” from the other person that he or she wants nothing beyond friendship.

To the extent that one person’s romantic feelings have been clearly articulated to the other (and were met with an unfavorable response) to continue in some no-man’s land of “good friends,” is arguably to take selfish advantage of the vulnerable party. Yes, I know, the other person is an adult who is free and responsible to walk away if he or she is so unsatisfied, but like it or not, it tends not to work that way. Hope springs eternal, whether it should or not.

And that’s the “clear” scenario. What if one person develops romantic feelings in a friendship in which no “clear words” have been spoken, such that the desires of the other person are a mystery? Especially if it’s the woman in this position (as seems to be the case more often than not) she will likely feel that if she pushes for something more than friendship, she may lose the interaction and companionship she currently has. Still, given her desire for a husband — and perhaps to have this man as her husband — the status quo of “just really good friends but nothing more for some odd reason” will leave her unsatisfied, frustrated and confused. I have seen and heard and read of such frustration and hurt playing out many times over.

Certainly, a man can find himself in a similar position with a woman he’s attracted to, but given his obligation to be clear and intentional with the woman and to initiate the type of relationship he truly desires, he arguably has placed — or at least kept — himself in such a position. He simply is not “between a rock and a hard place” in the same way a woman is.

Finally, there’s one more type of confusion to consider. How do others view your “friendship”? Ladies, might there be men who would have initiated with you but for their uncertainty about or discomfort with your intimate friendship with another man? Guys, has a woman perhaps turned you down over questions about a woman friend you spend lots of time with? Would youwant to date someone knowing that he or she had a significant, pre-existing and ongoing emotional bond with another single member of the opposite sex? If I were a single person desiring marriage, the answers to these questions would matter to me.

I admit we’re not talking absolutes here, but almost. In my experience counseling and writing on this topic, everybody thinks (or at least claims) that his or her intimate friendship is the exception. “No way we’ll end up in one of the situations you just talked about. Unlike most other people of our age and experience, we are (insert favorite answer here) a) really astute students of our own and each other’s hearts, b) super-clear and talented communicators, c) always honest with each other, even when such honesty entails huge vulnerability for whoever is speaking, d) all of the above.”

Maybe. But here I would pose the question that is relevant to so many aspects of the courtship and dating topic. Why risk harm to your own heart or to that of a brother or sister to have a type of companionship that, outside of marriage, is arguably questionable anyway? This brings me to my second argument against intimate one-on-one friendships between brothers and sisters in Christ.

Enjoying the Convenient, Delaying the Good

Let’s assume for the sake of argument that your intimate friendship is one of those rare jewels that is devoid of the potential for hurt or confusion. There’s another drawback to such friendships. They discourage marriage.

Men and women who are not called to long-term singleness and celibacy have a strong desire for companionship with a member of the opposite sex. This is good and right. As I’ve discussed before, Scripture seems to consider marriage (and children) to be a normal part of the progression toward biblical manhood and womanhood (see, among others, Genesis 1:27-28; 2:23-24; Matthew 24:38-41; Luke 20:34-36).

In the past, when both sexual immorality and intimate male-female friendships were much less accepted and less common in society, men and women moved more deliberately toward marriage earlier in life. By offering a taste of the companionship and interactions that make marriage so satisfying, with none of the accompanying commitments or responsibilities entailed in marriage, intimate friendships discourage the pursuit of the grown-up, God-intended outlet for marital desires — marriage. This is especially so in a culture — and a church — that struggles with the widespread sociological trend in its young adults known as “perpetual adolescence.” Albert Mohler, Alex and Brett Harris, Candice Watters and other Boundless authors have written about this trend at length. In fact, the failure of many Christian men to pursue marriage well into their 20s and 30s may be one of the most disturbing results of this trend, but that’s another topic for another day.

As you probably know, I believe Scripture to teach that engaging in the types of emotional intimacy and companionship involved in close male-female friendships — outside of marriage and for their own sake — is wrong (see everything else I’ve ever written for Ruby in the Rough). But even if you don’t accept that premise, such intimacy is still inadvisable in the sense that it delays and discourages marriage, which Scripture unambiguously calls good and right.

I would especially encourage women who desire marriage to give this argument some thought. If you are one of the many women to write me to complain with great frustration that “Christian men don’t initiate,” consider this: Are you and your sisters satisfying the intermediate needs of your guy friends such that they feel no particular compulsion to pursue marriage?

Friendship Within A Context of Community

So am I saying that I’m against the idea of relationships growing out of Christian friendship? Am I saying that friendship among single brothers and sisters has no place? Am I saying that single men and women need to shun one another, speaking only to utter the words “will you date me,” followed by “yes” or “no”? Absolutely not. In fact, I would argue that dating or courting relationships ideally grow out of friendship among co-laborers in the Gospel. The question is what those friendships look like practically.

First Timothy 5 describes a relationship among Christian men and women not married to one another as that of brothers and sisters. The Lord has mercifully called us not to live the Christian life alone but as part of a community of believers. Single men and women can and should serve in ministry together, study the Word together and hang out together socially. They should go out together, gather around meals, watch movies. In my view, however, these activities should be done, for the most part, in groups rather than one-on-one. Men can initiate group get-togethers, and so can women. In fact, single brothers and sisters in Christ, like the rest of Christ’s body, are positively called to care for one another. Men can (and should) give women rides home rather than have them walk alone at night. Men can come over and move couches. Women can cook a meal for a group of guys in danger of developing scurvy from a near total lack of vegetables. Knock yourselves out.

Friendships grow out of the body of Christ functioning and, in turn, result in interests beyond friendship. To be sure, the friendships that develop in this context are not the same friendships with the same level of intimacy that would develop from spending consistent time alone with someone, but they provide a context from which initiations and relationships can bloom. Remember, the world has falsely told us that a high level of intimacy with another person needs to precede any sort of commitment to another person.

Is there a precise formula for whether a friendship or series of interactions is too intimate? If there is, I don’t know it. Hang out in groups; serve together. By all means, chat and be friendly with your brothers and sisters in Christ. Should a friend make the assumption that you’re ready to marry him or her if you initiate a one-on-one conversation at church or at a group dinner? No. Have you blown two tires and gone screaming off into the trees if you ask someone to lunch or coffee once or twice? Maybe not. Depends on what happens from there.

Just be aware that “friendship” is no more a forum to play married than a dating relationship is. If you find that you are consistently showing one of your opposite-sex Christian friends more one-on-one attention than all the others, whether in conversation or through invitations out, it’s probably time for 1) some clarification of intentions and (most likely) a change in the status of the relationship to something more overtly official, or 2) a change in the way you interact with that person. Beyond that, godly single adults will have to work this out on a case-by-case basis [© Scott Croft. Scott lives in Kentucky, where he works as an attorney and serves as an elder of Third Avenue Baptist Church]

The post Can Men & Women Be “Just Friends”? first appeared on Ruby in the Rough.

It’s also big business. If you were to Google the word “matchmaker,” you would receive something in the neighborhood of 21,200,000 responses — with a few of these outfits claiming to be Christian, but most making no such claim. “Dating” will get you 790,000,000 hits.

As evangelical Christians, we’re called to be distinct in the ways we think and act about all issues that confront us and those around us. This topic is no exception. So is there such a thing as biblical courtship? If so, what is it? How can Christians think differently about this pervasive issue in media and culture? How are we doing so far?

The answer to that last question is “not well.” Surveys consistently indicate that professing Christians behave almost exactly like non-Christians in terms of sexual involvement outside of marriage (in both percentage of people involved and how deeply involved they are — how far they’re going), living together before marriage, and infidelity and divorce after marriage. In fact, depending on which statistics one believes, the divorce rate for professing Christians may actually be higher than for Americans as a whole. Granted, not all of these people are evangelicals, but we’re not doing so well either. Indeed, the central issue we need to confront — and the reason I write and speak on this topic — is that when it comes to dating and relationships, perhaps more than in any other area of the everyday Christian life, the church is largely indistinguishable from the world. That truth has brought immeasurable emotional pain and other consequences to many Christians. Worse, it has brought great dishonor to the name of Christ and to the witness of individuals and the church.

It doesn’t have to be this way. For Christians, the Lord has given us His Word, and the Holy Spirit helps us to understand it. We have brothers and sisters in Christ to hold us accountable and to help us apply the Word to our lives. If you’re a Christian, that’s the biblical life you’re called to.

That’s what I hope this column will be about — applying God’s Word to finding a spouse and getting married.

The sufficiency of scripture

I have to start by explaining the theological doctrine that drives the approach I want to outline (and advocate). That doctrine is called the sufficiency of Scripture. Almost all professing evangelical Christians are familiar with and vigorously defend the doctrine of the inerrancy of Scripture (which states that the Bible is the authoritative Word of God, it’s true, and it contains no falsity or error). I certainly agree with the inerrancy of Scripture, but that’s not what I’m talking about here. The doctrine of the sufficiency of Scripture assumes inerrancy but then goes a step further. This doctrine simply holds that the Bible is sufficient to guide and instruct us authoritatively in all areas of our faith and life, and that there is no area of life about which the Bible has no guidance for us. The sufficiency of Scripture is taught explicitly and implicitly in many passages, but perhaps the most obvious is 2 Timothy 3:16-17:

All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.

So how does the sufficiency of Scripture apply to our coming discussions? Well, many evangelicals who otherwise believe in the inerrancy of the Bible and who might generally agree with the sufficiency of Scripture have nonetheless embraced the world’s ideas about dating. In doing so, some make the argument that Scripture doesn’t speak to this topic. I believe it does. The Bible speaks to every area of our faith and life at some level. Some things it talks about explicitly, like salvation or sanctification or marriage or elders. The Bible guides us in some areas by broader, more general principles and ideas we can build on as we strive to live the Christian life in practical ways. In either case, no area of life falls totally outside of the guidance and authority of God’s Word.

My point is that we cannot simply state that the Bible “doesn’t mention dating or courtship,” and then think we’re off the hook to pursue this area of our lives either on the world’s terms or however seems best to us without diligent, submissive reference to God’s Word. If the doctrine of the sufficiency of Scripture is true, then God’s Word does have authoritative guidance for us about how we might best glorify God in this area of our lives. That means our conversation has to be a biblical conversation. I mention the sufficiency of Scripture as part of the groundwork for this column because it’s one of those doctrines that touches every area of our lives, and it is at the heart of the approach to dating (and life) that we’ll talk about here.

Biblical Courtship

OK. Let’s take care of some basic definitions. We may define biblical courtship as a method of introduction and carrying out of a pre-marital relationship between a single man and a single woman:

1. That begins (maybe) with the man approaching and going through the woman’s father or family;
2. that is conducted under the authority of the woman’s father or family or church; and
3. that always has marriage (or at least a determination regarding marriage to a specific person) as its direct goal.

The Scriptural support for the idea of biblical courtship is largely by example and implication. We will look at a number of passages over the course of our discussions that support various aspects of biblical courtship, but for the moment, let me just give you some references to study:

• 1 Corinthians 6:9-7:19 (command to be pure, seriousness of sexual sin and instructions regarding marriage)
• 1 Thessalonians 4:1-8 (do not wrong or defraud one another in relationships — by implying a relationship or commitment by your words or conduct that does not actually exist)
• Song of Solomon 2:7 (“do not awaken love before it pleases” — i.e. before the proper time, meaning marriage)
• Proverbs 6:20-7:27 (warning to avoid sexual sin and foolish relationships)
• James 1:13-15 (temptation is to be taken very seriously)
• Romans 13:8-14 (love others, work for their soul’s good; don’t look to please self)
• Romans 14:1-15:7 (favor others, not self … value what’s good to their souls)
• 1 Timothy 5:1-2 (treat single women as sisters in Christ, with absolute purity)
• Titus 2:1-8 (young men and women should focus on self-control/godliness)
• John 14:15 (if you love Christ, you will obey His commands — read: above your own desires — and live biblically)

We’ll talk more about these and other passages as we deal with other topics in this series.

Modern Dating

We may basically define modern dating as a method of introduction and carrying out of a pre-marital relationship between a single man and a single woman:

1. that begins with either the man or the woman initiating with the other;
2. that is conducted outside the formal oversight or authority of either person’s family or church; and
3. that may or may not have marriage as its goal and is often purely “recreational” or “educational.”

Now, the biblical support for the modern approach to dating … (insert crickets, tumbleweeds, person whistling here)…. That was it. There isn’t any. The very idea of extended romantic or sexual involvement outside of marriage doesn’t even appear in Scripture unless it is described as illicit (sinful). Furthermore, it doesn’t even appear in any society, western or otherwise, in any systematic way until the 20th century. While the principles supporting biblical courtship have their beginnings with the very structure of the family, modern dating has its origins with the sexual revolution of the 1960s. It is brand new, and yet, seemingly, it is all we know.

Differences Between Modern Dating and Biblical Courtship

So what’s the real difference? Here are some fundamentals:

Modern dating philosophy assumes that there will be several intimate romantic relationships in a person’s life before marriage. In fact, it advocates “playing the field” in order to determine “what one wants” in a mate. Biblical courtship has as its goal to be emotionally and physically intimate with only one member of the opposite sex … your spouse.

Modern dating tends to be egalitarian (no differences between men and women in spiritual or emotional “wiring” or God-given roles). Biblical courtship tends to be complementarian (God has created men and women differently and has ordained each of these spiritual equals to play different and valuable roles in the church and in the family).

Modern dating tends to assume that you will spend a great deal of time together (most of it alone). Biblical courtship tends to encourage time spent in group activities or with other people the couple knows well.

Modern dating tends to assume that you need to get to know a person more deeply than anyone else in the world to figure out whether you should be with him or her. The biblical approach suggests that real commitment to the other person should precede such a high level of intimacy.

Modern dating tends to assume that a good relationship will “meet all my needs and desires,” and a bad one won’t — it’s essentially a self-centered approach. Biblical courtship approaches relationships from a completely different perspective — one of ministry and service and bringing glory to God.

Modern dating tends to assume that there will be a high level of emotional involvement in a dating relationship, and some level of physical involvement as well. Biblical courtship assumes no physical intimacy and more limited emotional intimacy outside of marriage.

Modern dating assumes that what I do and who I date as an adult is entirely up to me and is private (my family or the church has no formal or practical authority). Biblical courtship assumes a context of spiritual accountability, as is true in every other area of the Christian life.

Basically, we can make three general statements about modern dating vs. biblical courtship in terms of their respective philosophies:

1. Modern dating seems to be about “finding” the right person for me (as my friend Michael Lawrence has written on another site, “Stop Test-Driving Your Girlfriend“); biblical courtship is more about “being” the right person to serve my future spouse’s needs and be a God-glorifying husband or wife.
2. In modern dating, intimacy precedes commitment. In biblical courtship, commitment precedes intimacy.
3. The modern dating approach tells us that the way to figure out whether I want to marry someone is to act like we are married. If we like it, we make it official. If we don’t, then we go through something emotionally — and probably physically — like a divorce. In biblical courtship, Scripture guides us as to how to find a mate and marry, and the Bible teaches, among other things, that we should act in such a way so as not to imply a marriage-level commitment until that commitment exists before the Lord.

I’m supremely confident that as we go back and forth in the coming months, some — perhaps many — of you will disagree (if you don’t already) or be initially annoyed at some of my statements. Ask yourself why. What are you trying to hold onto that you think this approach will take from you (privacy, autonomy, a secular idea of freedom or of your own rights)?

I have a particular challenge for those of you whose main objection is that the practical details we’ll talk about here “are not explicitly biblical”: think about the details of how you conduct (or would like to conduct) your relationships. Can you find explicit support for the modern approach in Scripture? Are there even broad principles in Scripture that justify the modern vision of dating (or yours, whatever it may be)? The Bible simply doesn’t give us explicit instructions on some of what we’ll discuss. Fair enough. In such a situation, we should ask what gets us closest to clear biblical teaching. In other words, within the many gray areas here, what conduct will help us to best care for our brothers and sisters in Christ and bring honor to His name?

That’s it. That’s a basic framework for biblical courtship as best I can discern it from the principles of God’s Word. Now, you’re on. No question is too broad or too specific, too theoretical, too theological, or too practical. Agree with what I’ve said, or challenge it. This is how iron sharpens iron. Just remember one thing: we’re in this together — for His Glory. [© Scott Croft. Scott lives in Kentucky, where he works as an attorney and serves as an elder of Third Avenue Baptist Church]

• Next in the series…Biblical Courtship (PART 2): How Should It Begin?

The post Biblical Courtship: What Is It? first appeared on Ruby in the Rough.

1) Chemistry/Attraction…

It’s that:

• Thrill when you get to see the person (“The voice of my beloved! Behold, he comes, leaping over the mountains, bounding over the hills.” Song of Solomon 2:8).
• Experience of finding them and their conversation captivating (“You have captivated my heart, my sister, my bride; you have captivated my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace.” Song of Solomon 4:9).
• Lack of ability to see flaws in the person (“You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you.” Song of Solomon 4:7)
• Desire for physical closeness. (“Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth! For your love is better than wine;” Song of Solomon 1:2)
• Longing to spend time with the person (“Arise, my love, my beautiful one, and come away”, Song of Solomon 2:10”)
• Feeling of romance associated with your time together (“For your love is better than wine; your anointing oils are fragrant; your name is oil poured out;” Song of Solomon 1:2-3”).

You can have most of the above without being emotionally attached and without having had a single deep, intimate conversation.  In fact you could feel such chemistry within minutes of meeting a person. Conversely, chemistry may not be present at all at the beginning and can grow out of nothing.  A woman can end up feeling strong chemistry with someone she was not initially physically attracted to. Furthermore chemistry is something that can completely disappear.

2) Intimacy…

Emotional intimacy is something that comes with time.  It is cultivated through many things such as:

• Increasing trust and vulnerability.
• Sharing of our deepest hopes, dreams, thoughts, emotions and insecurities.
• Increasing levels of physical intimacy from holding hands to sexual intercourse.
• High quantities of communication.

Emotional and physical intimacy can:

• Awaken chemistry/attraction.
• Increase feelings of romantic love.
• Increase our levels of emotional attachment.

3) Attachment…

Emotional attachment is the bond that occurs between two people that makes it difficult for them to be apart and creates deep pain if broken.  It’s that:

• Feeling of being lovesick (“Sustain me with raisins; refresh me with apples, for I am sick with love”. Song of Solomon 2:5).
• Need to keep up communication and anxiety when the person has not got in contact for a while (“On my bed by night I sought him whom my soul loves; I sought him, but found him not. I will rise now and go about the city, in the streets and in the squares; I will seek him whom my soul loves.” Song of Solomon 3:1-2).
• Feeling of ownership/belonging (“My beloved is mine, and I am his” Song of Solomon 2:16)
• Experience of anguish if the person goes off with someone else (“for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame.” Song of Solomon 8:6).

Increased emotional and/or physical intimacy leads to increased emotional attachment, which in turn will increase feelings of chemistry.

So are chemistry, intimacy and attachment important?

A thriving, happily married couple will experience chemistry/attraction, emotional and physical intimacy, and emotional attachment in their marriage. So yes they are important!  But how important are they during a courtship?

1) Chemistry/attraction during courtship…

For a woman it seems that chemistry is not incredibly important at the beginning of a courtship since it can grow from nothing.  Many women fear that if it’s not there it will never be there.  Moreover, without initial feelings of desire, attraction and thrill, many women can’t be bothered to get to know a man and miss out on a great catch.  I know countless women who did not feel initial chemistry and are now greatly attracted to their husbands.  However, if a woman has spent a considerable amount of time getting to know a man and there is still NO excitement to see the person or NO thrill experienced when the person makes contact it could be a justifiable reason to call things off.

2) Intimacy and attachment during courtship…

The Shullimite women of Song of Solomon, three times adjures women to “not let love stir up or awaken before it pleases”. After all

love is strong as death…Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it” (Song of Solomon 8:6-7)

But when does it please to stir up love? Well I can tell you when I think it certainly does not please. It does not please with a man who:

• Has many characteristics you don’t respect, is immature and irresponsible.
• Has completely different goals, vision, values and theological beliefs to you.
• Is only a cultural Christian and does not actually personally know Jesus.
• Is charming but manipulative, deceitful and untrustworthy.
• Is not sure if he wants to marry you or you are not sure you want to marry him.

Only time, prayer, the scriptures and wise counsel will help you to figure out if it really does please to let love awaken or stir (‘Is he a good match for you‘ will help). Before a man has proposed you cannot be sure if his intentions to marry you are true and so before engagement it would be wise to guard your heart (See ‘7 reasons to guard your heart‘). Before betrothal it would also seem unwise and even potentially cruel and dangerous to be involved in activities that purposefully cultivate DEEP emotional intimacy or DEEP physical intimacy and unavoidably lead to DEEP emotional attachment. Why?  Because we are hugely risking hurting ourselves and the man pursuing us if we don’t end up getting married.  We are being unloving to them because we are purposefully doing things that could lead to them being greatly harmed. We are being unloving to our future husband (if we are to marry someone else) because we are purposefully behaving in a way that will lead to us carrying scars and emotional baggage into our future marriage. But if emotional and physical intimacy are very important in a marriage don’t we want to know before accepting a proposal if we are capable of having emotional and physical intimacy in marriage. I would answer yes! In my opinion however we don’t need to try to cultivate intimacy to know if it will be there in a marriage. The very process of figuring out if we should marry a person will unavoidably offer the potential for a level of emotional intimacy to be cultivated even if we’re trying to avoid it! Spending time together and having conversations about things such as past relationship history, roles in marriage and life dreams are necessary before getting engaged.  If you have asked hundreds of essential questions over a period of time and you feel no emotional intimacy at all you will know there is an issue there.  However, you don’t need to seek out emotional intimacy to know if it’s there. You don’t have to spend thousands of hours having emotionally intimate and vulnerable conversations or spend most of your waking hours with a person to know if you have the potential for great emotional intimacy within a marriage. What about physical intimacy?  Until the 20^th century it was not normal for Christian men and women to treat each other physically as more than brothers and sisters before betrothal.  With the advent of the boyfriend/girlfriend relationship this changed.  It is my understanding that scripture teaches we should treat each other as biological brothers and sisters in all purity before betrothal (see ‘A culture of stirred up love‘ and 1 Timothy 5:1). But then how can we know if we will enjoy physical intimacy in marriage if we’ve not even had any romantic touch?  This is an important question!  I challenge you to find one woman who is attracted to a man, deeply respects him and wants to marry him but does not enjoy their first romantic touch.  I have met many women who have had no romantic touch before engagement and I have never heard one of them sharing that they did not enjoy it when it finally came! But what about sexual intimacy (including passionate kissing)?  It’s the experience of many women, and the Bible’s teaching that God designed us to enjoy sexual intimacy with a man we are attracted to who has committed to us for life and that we don’t need to test this out before choosing to marry someone.  I am not saying sexual physical intimacy will come completely naturally to all and it is something to work on (as is emotional intimacy) but that the context and security of marriage is the best place for physical intimacy to flourish and grow!

Summary

Chemistry, intimacy and attachment are important in a marriage.  Chemistry can grow from nothing so is not that important at the beginning of getting to know a man and thus we should not overlook good candidates who we feel no instant chemistry towards.  If after considerable time we still feel no desire/excitement to spend time with the person, it might be wise to call things off. Deep emotional and/or physical intimacy leads to deep emotional attachment, which will inevitably lead to heartbreak and scars if things don’t work out.  Thus if we care about the person we are courting and care about our own hearts we will want to minimize the levels of intimacy (to limit the depth of emotional attachment) before engagement and marriage. Further reading:

• ‘A culture of stirred up love‘ looks at how we can navigate the courtship process without letting love get too stirred up.

Do you agree?  Let us know by commenting below [Rowina Seidler]

The post Chemistry, Intimacy & Attachment (Are they important?) first appeared on Ruby in the Rough.

Reason 1: He is not sure he wants to marry her.

He might have NEVER been sure about marrying her. However, instead of treating her like a precious daughter of God and trying to protect her from heartbreak:

• He thought he would try her out as a girlfriend anyway to test his feelings and see if they would grow. He intentionally stirred up her love knowing he might not commit. He’s still unsure if he wants to marry her.
• Or she pursued him and he just went along with it.
• Or shamefully, he just wanted to be in a relationship and wasn’t thinking long term.

Alternatively, he might have been really SURE about wanting to marry her from the beggining. However instead of being cautious, knowing that feelings can change, he began treating her as if he was definitely going to commit for life. As he got to know her better:

• He became less sure that she is a good match for him.
• Or she grew in clinginess and desperation, and ended up devaluing herself in his eyes.

He’s worried about hurting her and is also now very emotionally attached so he just lets the months and years pass by. He’s not sure he will ever propose.

Reason 2: He wants to marry her but he sees no rush.

The most common cause of this in my experience is that a girl has let herself get caught too early. In the Bible, there is no concept of a girl belonging to a guy or having a “partner” who is not her fiancé/husband. Basically there is no concept of being a couple outside of covenant (biblically, betrothal is a covenant).

It’s now normal in our culture from the beginning of a romantic involvement for:

• A guy to treat a girl like she’s his.
• A girl to let herself get caught and become’s the guy’s partner.

Once this has occurred, she:

• Will often pursue him as much as he pursues her (even though the biblical pattern is men pursuing women).
• Considers him her man and prioritises him accordingly.

And guess what happens?  He get’s comfortable.  He doesn’t need to win a girl’s commitment if he already has it.  She shows him so much interest he is confident that she will stick around indefinitely.  Plus he has so many of the benefits of marriage already.  He has someone to share his life with.  He has emotional intimacy and companionship.  He sees no need to run for the bus since he has caught it. He feels no rush to buy the car when he can use it for free. When people ask why he’s not yet proposed he mentions work commitments and financial pressures.  Really, her behaviour has left him with no strong desire to hurry up and propose.

What can a girl do?

Here are some ideas for a woman to apply that can help encourage a man to either a) decide to propose or b) walk away if he was never going to propose anyway.  Please don’t treat my suggestions as law, it might not apply to everyone and I don’t get everything right.

Step 1: Realise that however much she believes she is his and he is hers, they’re not each other’s!

In God’s eyes until betrothal and marriage, men and women don’t belong to each other.  She has no rights over his life and he has no rights over hers outside of neighbourly love.  He should not be her main priority and she should not be his.  He has not committed to her and she should not think of him as if he had.  See “A culture of stirred up love” to understand this more.

Step 2: Embrace her fears and cast them onto God.

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. (1 Peter 5:7)

Many women deeply fear:

• Being alone for life.
• Losing the guy they want to marry.

These fears lead them to hang on to a man for dear life.  If she can embrace these fears and cast them onto God, she will feel free to give him the space he needs to make a decision. See “Idolising marriage” for more clarification.

Step 3: Gradually ease back from pursuing him.

She used to call him everyday? She can start calling him twice a week and in time call him only occasionally.  She used to be the one to always ask to meet up.  She can begin to only rarely do this.  She used to go out of her way to see him when he rarely worked to see her?  She can let him start to do the majority of work to see her. See “Should women pursue?” and “How to NOT pursue men”.

Step 4: Get her priorities straight.

And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. (1 Corinthians 7:34)

If a girl is single or engaged (betrothed), she should not be spending the majority of her time and energy thinking about a guy who she is romantically involved with. Nor should she be spending the majority of her time being together with him or in communication with him. Rather she should remain anxious about the things of the Lord. If she get’s married the apostle Paul understands that she will be anxious about how to please her husband, but until then a potential husband should not be a woman’s priority.

Is the guy her main time priority?  Does she think about him more than the Lord?  Does she heavily invest in him over and above God Himself as well as above her friends, family and church commitments? Is she willing to drop anything to take his call or see him? She should repent, stop thinking of him as her man and reassign her priorities accordingly such as:

• Asking the Lord to help her put Him first
• No longer keeping all her weekends free for the guy.
• Getting a life outside of being with him by doing things such as a) Taking up ministry responsibilities b) Giving more time to her friends c) Joining that evangelism team that goes out on a Friday night.
• Asking God to help her mediate on Him rather than on this guy.
• No longer seeing him unless he has given her advanced warning.

If he proposes and marries her then he can become her life (after God) but before then, he should not be her life and her world.

What will be the likely result of a woman following these steps?

• If he doesn’t actually want to marry her and is only with her because she has kept things going, then she will probably find that he doesn’t work hard to pursue her back and it becomes clear in time that he doesn’t want to be with her.  Better to find out now than 3 years later.
• If he stopped liking her as much because she became too clingy and desperate, these steps will help him see her as he saw her at the beginning and will prove to him she’s no longer desperate.
• If he really does want to marry her but has become too comfortable, these steps will help him see that he does have to work to get her and he does need to propose soon because 1) she won’t stick around forever, 2) he can’t take her love for him for granted and 3) she will no longer offer him any of the benefits of being his wife outside of lifelong commitment.

These steps sound too hard!

This will all often feel very hard for a girl to do because she has got into the habit of pursuing and prioritising a guy and she is deeply emotionally attached.  She might also be worried that she is being rude.  I’ll tell you what I think is rude:

• Guys stringing girls along indefinitely without proposing.
• Men who are happy to stir up women’s love when they are not even sure they want to marry them.

She is not being rude by letting him be the one to start doing the majority of the pursuing and she is certainly not being rude by no longer offering him number one priority in her life. Remember, he has not committed to her so it’s not her duty to a) pursue him or b) prioritise him or c) let him treat her as if she’s his.  He has not yet proposed to her so he has not yet proven himself worthy of her deep commitment, love, priority or affections.

Often Christian women struggle to value themselves.  They don’t really believe that they are precious in God’s eyes (Matthew 10:29-31).  They don’t truly trust that they were worthy of Christ dying for their sins (John 3:16).  They question if they are really God’s prized daughters (John 1:12).  For this reason they don’t see themselves as worth being pursued, wooed and won by a man.  This lack of self-value leads them to tolerate men wasting their time and not committing to them.  Moreover, it leads to them chasing men and acting desperate.

It’s worth such Christian women repenting of their lack of trust in God’s word. In addition I would recommend they spend some serious time in scripture and in prayer, asking God to help them find their value in Him. See, “You’re nobody til’ somebody loves you”.

What if she follows these steps for a while and he still has not a) proposed or b) called things off?

I would recommend that she calls things off. She can make it clear that she still likes him but that she has invested more than enough of her time and her life and does not want to waste more years on a man who does not want to commit.  She will then need to refuse to spend any more time with him unless he proposes.

Do you agree with this theory of why many men don’t propose? Do you agree with the suggestions given? Let us know by commenting below. [Rowina Seidler]

The post Why Men Don’t Propose first appeared on Ruby in the Rough.

• There is no rock solid evidence the guy likes you enough to seriously consider marrying you. This means there is a high likelihood he will marry someone else and you could end up feeling devastated.
• By becoming so focused on him you will be far less likely to give other guys a chance who have a genuine interest in you. Thus you could overlook some serious marriage prospects.
• Your time as an unmarried person is valuable and you won’t be able to focus on the Lord or your ministry as well as you could have.

God’s relationship principles of not stirring or awakening love before it pleases (Song of Solomon 2:7, 3:5 and 8:4) and guarding our hearts (Proverbs 4:23), if followed, will help us keep our love for our husband if we are to get married (See a culture of stirred up love). Moreover they will help keep us focused on the Lord and living fruitful lives for Him. Furthermore they will help prevent us from having to experience/cause heartbreak. If we can’t develop the self control to guard our hearts and keep love unstirred before a man is clearly pursuing us, how on earth will we manage when we are being pursued? Moreover if we can’t contain our feelings now, what will stop us having feelings for other men if we do get married?

In the same way single people need to seek God’s help to conquer any battles with lust, us women need to conquer our lack of self control when it comes to our feelings towards men. Below are some common struggles women express when it comes to becoming infatuated and some scriptures that can help us in this battle:

But God told me we will get married…

And if you say in your heart, ‘How shall we know the word which the Lord has not spoken?’ — when a prophet speaks in the name of the Lord, if the thing does not happen or come to pass, that is the thing which the Lord has not spoken; the prophet has spoken it presumptuously; you shall not be afraid of him. (Deuteronomy 18:21-22)

What would you think of me if I told you that God told me I am going to be the next Queen of England and that I pray and think about this many times a day, every day? Would you encourage me to continue holding onto this possible future? If God really has communicated to us about anything, including whom we will marry, then it will come to pass. However, the only way that we will know that we have heard from God correctly is if does actually come to pass. There is therefore no point dwelling on what we believe God has told us will happen. We can just write it in our journal, commit what we felt God tell us back to Him in prayer a few times and then pretty much forget about it. Many, many girls have believed they have heard from God about who they should marry and got it wrong. Many of us girls have used an apparent prophesy as an excuse to become infatuated with a guy.

But I can’t stop daydreaming about him…

But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart (Matthew 5:28).

The Bible teaches that for a man to lust after a woman he is not married to is adultery of the heart. What about a married woman persistently fantasizing and daydreaming about being together with or married to another man. Isn’t that also a type of adultery of the heart? Isn’t it therefore also a type of adultery of the heart for an unmarried woman to repeatedly fantasize and daydream about being married to a guy she’s not married to or sharing a future with him?

But my desire to marry him is so strong…

Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry (Colossians 3:5).

Do we think about this guy more than we think about God? Do we desire marrying him more than we desire God Himself? If so, our desire for this guy has become idolatrous. We need to pray to God for help to put to death this earthly passion.

But I have hope that God will bring us together in marriage…

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, But when the desire comes, it is a tree of life (Proverbs 13:12).

Do we really want to spend years feeling heart sick at not having our desire come to fruition just to watch the guy we like marry someone else? Do we then want to spend further years recovering from our wounds? If we put our hope on marrying someone who has not told us he would like to marry us, we could have to experience exactly that. Far better to nip the feelings in the bud before they develop into stronger emotions than indulge in them just to spend years heart sick and then heartbroken. If the guy really does want to marry us, God willing he will eventually muster the courage to tell us. If he doesn’t have the courage to take a risk and tell us, it is questionable that he is ready to be head of a family and thus is arguably not an option to us anyway. There’s no point putting any hope in a future with him before he does in fact tell us. If we have already been putting that hope in marrying him, we can ask God to help us let that hope go.

Feelings are there to be felt. We shouldn’t repress our feelings…

Whoever has no rule over his own spirit is like a city broken down, without walls. (Proverbs 25:28)

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law. (Gal 5:22-23)

It’s not wrong to have an attraction towards someone but to allow our feelings to grow so strong that we become completely infatuated with a guy who has not even told us he would like to marry us is to lack self control and to lack rule over our own spirits. If this is us, we need to pray for the Holy Spirit to give us that self control.

But I like him more than anyone else. He is just my ‘type’…

He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord. (Proverbs 18:22)

Imagine you are completely broke and are kindly given a £200 voucher to buy a pair of boots from Clarks. The problem is the boots in Clarks aren’t your ‘type’. Imagine if you then go and get a brochure for UGG which makes your ‘type’ of boot and get obsessed with a particular tan leather pair. You will have pointlessly become obsessed with a boot that is not available to you. By not accepting you real options, you will find it harder to choose and enjoy a pair of boots you can actually go buy. What does this have to do with infatuation? Well biblically, it’s the man’s job to find a wife. Therefore the only men we get to choose from are the Christian men who choose us. We tend to become infatuated with guys that are our ‘type’ even if guys that are our ‘type’ are not interested in us. Thus, like with the pair of boots example, we are not accepting our real options and will find it harder to choose and like a guy out of the pool of guys who are interested in us if we become obsessed with guys who are not available to us. Therefore becoming infatuated with a guy who doesn’t necessarily want to marry us is an utterly fruitless exercise. Let’s pray that God will help us only fall for our husband (if we are to get married) rather than men who are not available to us.

But he does things that show he is interested in me…

The Lord knows the thoughts of man, That they are futile. (Psalm 94:11) 

We women can be so quick to interpret a guys actions to mean that he likes us enough to marry us. Just because he wants to hang out with us, calls us from time to time and Facebook messages us does not mean he wants to marry us. Neither does the fact that he invites us to events, gives us compliments or introduces us to his parents at church. He might just see us as a friend or even be attracted to us but not enough to pursue us to marry us. If a guy has not made his intentions clear there is no point trying to read into actions too much and let our thoughts run away with us. Let’s pray that God helps us not presume what a man’s intentions are and keep our thought and our minds focused on Him.

But I find it so hard to guard my heart and my mind when I like someone…

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus (Phil 4:6-7)

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. (1 Peter 5:7)

God is the one who can help us guard our hearts and minds. Let us with thanksgiving, bring our request to God that He will keep us from being infatuated with a guy and He will give us His peace that will guard our hearts and minds. Let us cast our anxieties on Him about who we will marry (if we are to get married) remembering that He cares for us.

Conclusion

May God help us women who struggle with falling for men who have not clearly expressed interest in us develop the self control to never become infatuated again.  May God help us live more fruitful lives as He enables us to serve Him more fully without distraction! [Rowina Seidler]

The post Women and their infatuations first appeared on Ruby in the Rough.

1. On modern dating culture…

Modern [boyfriend/girlfriend culture] is glorified divorce practice. It’s learning how to give yourself away to people repeatedly and then take yourself back.

2. On biblical relationships…

In the Bible you have betrothal, you have marriage, you have relationships between individuals who intend to marry. You don’t have this idea of people who just “kick-it” because they like each other for right now. That’s how you end up with the wrong one. You get involved before you evaluate. That’s a serious problem.

3. On “exploring” a relationship…

You say she’s your girlfriend, you’re monogamous, you’re together and at the same time you’re “exploring”. Here’s what that sounds like: I went to the car lot and I took this car home. I’m driving it now to see if it’s ultimately going to be the right car for me. Now if it’s not the right car for me I’m going to take it back to the lot. It’ll now be used. I’m going to take it back so that someone else can enjoy that car and I’m going to go do the same thing with another car.

4. On the desire to be married…

God is the one who awakens in us a yearning and a desire to be married. You know what’s sad; there are so many people in our culture who treat that like it’s a sin.

Note: He was discussing a healthy desire in the above quote, not an idolatrous desire.

5. On dating before you’re ready…

People who are not ready to be married who put themselves in dating situations are like people who go shopping without any money. You’re either going to leave frustrated or take something that doesn’t belong to you.

6. On the destructiveness of modern dating practices…

Here’s what happening all over our culture. People are getting into relationships, saying “it takes a while to figure this thing out”. Next thing you know it’s been a year, it’s been 2 years and it’s really not happening. So you’re either going to marry someone because you’ve invested so much time or you going to walk away and you’ve stolen 2 years of their life. Now they’ve got to wait because they’re hurt, they got to heal, then they go get into another relationship. You can see, if that happens just a few times…you’re looking at our sisters who are out there in their mid-thirties, late-thirties, never been married but they got this scar tissue built up around their hearts.

7. On purposefully delaying marriage…

The following quote was taken from a discussion on how in the west we are on average getting married a lot later (because of careers, travelling, fear of commitment, individualism etc.) and using the “gift of singleness” as an excuse.

If you have this gift of singleness according to first Corinthians 7 and Matthew 19 it’s a calling for life. It’s not an excuse to put off marriage while you go do other things…To intentionally extend your singleness is an abuse of the text…It’s saying I will suck all the joy and meaning out of life and then I’ll be ready to marry you and die.

8. On preparing for marriage…

This is how [some people] understand preparation. Preparation is experiencing relationships with different [people] so that you can prepare yourself to give yourself to one. If you have enough relational experiences it makes you better prepared so that when you get into marriage it will be a smoother ride. News flash. If you want a smoother ride you need to go into marriage with fewer past relationships rather than more. The more relationships we have had, the more jaded and callous we become, the more we hurt our levels of trust and the more we get used to giving ourselves to someone and walking away.

9. On knowing what we’re looking for…

We need to have a clear picture of what we’re biblically looking for [in a man] so that we’re making objective decisions, prayerful decisions with the scriptures open, and not just getting emotionally involved and attached and then hoping it turns out to be good.

10. On the value of women…

What man is dumb enough to give the keys to a $200,000 sports car to a 16 year old? Here is my question. What man is dumb enough to think his daughter is worth less? I’d much sooner give up the keys to a $200,000 car then take the chance on some young man manipulating and abusing the emotions of my daughter.

Challenging right? If you are interested to know more, our article, “A culture of stirred up love“, looks at how we can escape the pitfalls of the modern, western relationship culture that’s so prevalent in our churches. [Rowina Seidler]

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