Have you ever met a guy, began to daydream about him and soon become totally into him when he has never had any clear conversation with you about his interest? Have you then reached the point where you can’t get him out of your mind and have happily repeatedly fantasized about being with him or being married to him? I would argue that such behavior is potentially dangerous and a waste of our time, energy and emotion! Here are a few reasons why:
- There is no rock solid evidence the guy likes you enough to seriously consider marrying you. This means there is a high likelihood he will marry someone else and you could end up feeling devastated.
- By becoming so focused on him you will be far less likely to give other guys a chance who have a genuine interest in you. Thus you could overlook some serious marriage prospects.
- Your time as an unmarried person is valuable and you won’t be able to focus on the Lord or your ministry as well as you could have.
God’s relationship principles of not stirring or awakening love before it pleases (Song of Solomon 2:7, 3:5 and 8:4) and guarding our hearts (Proverbs 4:23), if followed, will help us keep our love for our husband if we are to get married (See a culture of stirred up love). Moreover they will help keep us focused on the Lord and living fruitful lives for Him. Furthermore they will help prevent us from having to experience/cause heartbreak. If we can’t develop the self control to guard our hearts and keep love unstirred before a man is clearly pursuing us, how on earth will we manage when we are being pursued? Moreover if we can’t contain our feelings now, what will stop us having feelings for other men if we do get married?
In the same way single people need to seek God’s help to conquer any battles with lust, us women need to conquer our lack of self control when it comes to our feelings towards men. Below are some common struggles women express when it comes to becoming infatuated and some scriptures that can help us in this battle:
But God told me we will get married…
And if you say in your heart, ‘How shall we know the word which the Lord has not spoken?’ — when a prophet speaks in the name of the Lord, if the thing does not happen or come to pass, that is the thing which the Lord has not spoken; the prophet has spoken it presumptuously; you shall not be afraid of him. (Deuteronomy 18:21-22)
What would you think of me if I told you that God told me I am going to be the next Queen of England and that I pray and think about this many times a day, every day? Would you encourage me to continue holding onto this possible future? If God really has communicated to us about anything, including whom we will marry, then it will come to pass. However, the only way that we will know that we have heard from God correctly is if does actually come to pass. There is therefore no point dwelling on what we believe God has told us will happen. We can just write it in our journal, commit what we felt God tell us back to Him in prayer a few times and then pretty much forget about it. Many, many girls have believed they have heard from God about who they should marry and got it wrong. Many of us girls have used an apparent prophesy as an excuse to become infatuated with a guy.
But I can’t stop daydreaming about him…
But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart (Matthew 5:28).
The Bible teaches that for a man to lust after a woman he is not married to is adultery of the heart. What about a married woman persistently fantasizing and daydreaming about being together with or married to another man. Isn’t that also a type of adultery of the heart? Isn’t it therefore also a type of adultery of the heart for an unmarried woman to repeatedly fantasize and daydream about being married to a guy she’s not married to or sharing a future with him?
But my desire to marry him is so strong…
Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry (Colossians 3:5).
Do we think about this guy more than we think about God? Do we desire marrying him more than we desire God Himself? If so, our desire for this guy has become idolatrous. We need to pray to God for help to put to death this earthly passion.
But I have hope that God will bring us together in marriage…
Hope deferred makes the heart sick, But when the desire comes, it is a tree of life (Proverbs 13:12).
Do we really want to spend years feeling heart sick at not having our desire come to fruition just to watch the guy we like marry someone else? Do we then want to spend further years recovering from our wounds? If we put our hope on marrying someone who has not told us he would like to marry us, we could have to experience exactly that. Far better to nip the feelings in the bud before they develop into stronger emotions than indulge in them just to spend years heart sick and then heartbroken. If the guy really does want to marry us, God willing he will eventually muster the courage to tell us. If he doesn’t have the courage to take a risk and tell us, it is questionable that he is ready to be head of a family and thus is arguably not an option to us anyway. There’s no point putting any hope in a future with him before he does in fact tell us. If we have already been putting that hope in marrying him, we can ask God to help us let that hope go.
Feelings are there to be felt. We shouldn’t repress our feelings…
Whoever has no rule over his own spirit is like a city broken down, without walls. (Proverbs 25:28)
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law. (Gal 5:22-23)
It’s not wrong to have an attraction towards someone but to allow our feelings to grow so strong that we become completely infatuated with a guy who has not even told us he would like to marry us is to lack self control and to lack rule over our own spirits. If this is us, we need to pray for the Holy Spirit to give us that self control.
But I like him more than anyone else. He is just my ‘type’…
He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord. (Proverbs 18:22)
Imagine you are completely broke and are kindly given a £200 voucher to buy a pair of boots from Clarks. The problem is the boots in Clarks aren’t your ‘type’. Imagine if you then go and get a brochure for UGG which makes your ‘type’ of boot and get obsessed with a particular tan leather pair. You will have pointlessly become obsessed with a boot that is not available to you. By not accepting you real options, you will find it harder to choose and enjoy a pair of boots you can actually go buy. What does this have to do with infatuation? Well biblically, it’s the man’s job to find a wife. Therefore the only men we get to choose from are the Christian men who choose us. We tend to become infatuated with guys that are our ‘type’ even if guys that are our ‘type’ are not interested in us. Thus, like with the pair of boots example, we are not accepting our real options and will find it harder to choose and like a guy out of the pool of guys who are interested in us if we become obsessed with guys who are not available to us. Therefore becoming infatuated with a guy who doesn’t necessarily want to marry us is an utterly fruitless exercise. Let’s pray that God will help us only fall for our husband (if we are to get married) rather than men who are not available to us.
But he does things that show he is interested in me…
The Lord knows the thoughts of man, That they are futile. (Psalm 94:11)
We women can be so quick to interpret a guys actions to mean that he likes us enough to marry us. Just because he wants to hang out with us, calls us from time to time and Facebook messages us does not mean he wants to marry us. Neither does the fact that he invites us to events, gives us compliments or introduces us to his parents at church. He might just see us as a friend or even be attracted to us but not enough to pursue us to marry us. If a guy has not made his intentions clear there is no point trying to read into actions too much and let our thoughts run away with us. Let’s pray that God helps us not presume what a man’s intentions are and keep our thought and our minds focused on Him.
But I find it so hard to guard my heart and my mind when I like someone…
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus (Phil 4:6-7)
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. (1 Peter 5:7)
God is the one who can help us guard our hearts and minds. Let us with thanksgiving, bring our request to God that He will keep us from being infatuated with a guy and He will give us His peace that will guard our hearts and minds. Let us cast our anxieties on Him about who we will marry (if we are to get married) remembering that He cares for us.
May God help us women who struggle with falling for men who have not clearly expressed interest in us develop the self control to never become infatuated again. May God help us live more fruitful lives as He enables us to serve Him more fully without distraction! [Rowina Seidler]